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Originally Posted by XyloGal
This is a very emotionally sensitive subject for me, but I wanted to hear if anyone else had a similar experience while considering adoption - and I hope we're not the only ones dealing with this.
My husband and I plan to start a family in about 2 years (we'll be 29-30), and I have always wanted to adopt and felt very strongly about it. For many reasons, some of which I think are very relevant and some of which I know are trivial, I do not want to give birth to any children. We've never tried to get pregnant, and have no reason to believe that we'd have any trouble, but I just don't feel that it's right for me and I have no desire to be pregnant or birth children.
My husband knows I feel strongly about adoption and is open to adopting children, however, he feels very strongly that we should (his words) "have a child of our own" as well.
I don't know if I should be bothered by the phrasing of it, because it kind of leads me to think that he might see a biological child as "our own" and an adopted child as somehow not ours, or not as much ours as a biological child. We've talked about this at great length, and I've told him my concerns about him saying that. He says of course he would not see an adopted child as any less "ours" than a biological child, but just the fact that he feels so strongly about having at least one biological child bothers me.
On the other hand, I think sometimes maybe I'm being selfish by not wanting to bring a biological child into our family if we're able, especially because adoption was not something we discussed before we were married. We knew we wanted children someday, but didn't discuss where they would come from, and his feelings about wanting a biological child are just as valid as my feelings about wanting to adopt.
Has anyone else not seen eye to eye with their spouse or partner on adoption? And what were your feelings about it?
Do you see this as a red flag that we may not be right for adopting children, or is it common for one person to not be as open to considering adoption at first?
Thank you so much!
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I can't say that DH and I ever really disagreed on the way we worked to build our family but I will say that it would have never happened (adoption, that is...) if we were not in complete agreement. Since we have fertility issues, we would be living without children if he would not have wanted the adoptions as well. That would have made me incredibly sad but that would have been how it would be. Adoption is too hard to begin with, even if you are in complete agreement about it, to have conflict over it in your relationship. And parenting, well, it's even harder. I've never been blessed with the experience of a long pregnancy or childbirth so I cannot comment on it.
It sounds like you need more time to agree on how you want to build your family. His comment of having "one of his own" does not raise a red flag to me, as many people would say this about bio children, esp if they haven't thought about it much. I for one, don't take offense to it.