Loveajax:
I know you know some of my story, and I am one of those b-moms who have kept my DD a secret. I can't tell you how much I hate it. I was so emotionally screwed up during my pregnancy, largely in part that b-dad was less than supportive, one minute he was telling me he was there for me, the next minute when I went to him he insulted me or told me I was a liar or flat out refused to talk to me. Mind you , there was nothing that happened in the relationsnhip to make him not trust me, I was kind of stupid for him, KWIM? So the back and forth left me emotionally drained. I also could not believe that he refused to take responsibility, if he would have just walked away it would have been better than what I went through. I was so naive, and I kept thinking if my childs own father won't be there for me, what's to say anyone else will? I realize now that I'm older that it wasn't true, but in my 17 year old highly emotional state, another rejection was something I could not handle. It helped that I was in college 800 miles from home, and I was not carrying big and leggings and flannels were in style.
Now that I am in contact with my daughter's a-mom again, I realize that the secret has to come out. It willhard enough for my DD to understand all the circumstances about her adoption, I'm sure, how do I tell her that I'm hiding her from my family? I'm sure that would hurt her greatly, like I'm ashamed of her, and that would break my heart to have her think that. I don't know the first thing about how I'm going to do this, I'm not good expressing myself vocally, and opening up, so therapy for me wouldn't help (I'm the master of "I'm OK, I'm fine! when I'm not!) so these forums have been a tremendous help to me in terms of purging emotionally and preparing myself for each step in this journey. I'm not ready right now to handle the fallout emotionally, and ironically my daughter's A-mom is keeping my communication a secret from DD until she can handle it emotionally. All these secrets....
One thing tho, my daughter's A mom did ask me if I ever told my parents, and mentioned that she never felt comfortable with that, but she was afraid to interfere because she wanted my DD so much. I told her I agreed that I hated the secret too, but in reality things would have been different. Had I told my parents during christmas break when I was supposed to, they never would have sent me back to school, and I never would have learned from my roomate upon my return that her sister's friend wanted to adopt. it doesn't make it OK, but this is why I always say i have no regrets, because one little do over could have changed things dramatically!
Sorry so long, sometimes when I start, it just all comes out, LOL!!!!
