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This is something that's been discussed here, and on another board I belong to. In my opinion, too often, the adoptive couples very much seem to be buying a baby.
I know that infuriates some.......but I don't mean to imply the adoptive couples went out with money in hand to shop around...not at all.
Still, we just had a conversation with our caseworker about this. (And I've certainly talked to other caseworkers and attorneys.)
The sad thing is, many, many states allow for expenses that have NOTHING to do with the expenses of the baby. (As you stated, the same expenses that would have been there had the person not become pregnant too.)
Many adoptive couples can feel good about supporting a pregnant woman if she's unable to work, if she's lost her job due to additional health problems due to pgncy; paying some or all of the hospital bills for the baby, etc.
But, when there are requests for VISA bills to be paid, cable TV to be added to a home, to move into a 'better and bigger apt', or to feed/support existing children the birthmother may have---simply because this is what she's requesting....brings other thoughts about adopting altogether.
One caseworker has told us of a situation where a pbmother called her to inquire about placing her baby for adoption....but asked, "How much can I get for this?" When the pbmother was told that this particular state has a cap on expenses, and only certain items can be approved, the pbmother exclaimed, "Then I'll go back to XXX agency where I know they can get more $$ for me!!!!"
And she did.
Then, when you realize that FAR too many agencies ask for big money up front--that the adoptive couple essentially loses. It's lost in many cases, because the situation falls through, and the money is left to 'roll over'!!!! This 'roll-over' is simply a nice way of saying 'we're going to use your money as ours, until the time (if ever) you are chosen by a pbmother'.
The sad fact of this route---for many---is that when this kind of agency does this, the adoptive couple has invested such a large amount--that when another agency or attorney calls with a 'sure situation'......they don't have the money to use for it!!!! (I've seen and heard of it happening more than once.)
As our adoption attorney has told me, "The agency SELDOM choses the adoptive couple. The pbmother chooses the couple. The agency can have no control over this!' (Unless the agency operates on a list and they always choose.)
So, you may be waiting a lot longer, because you're stuck with that particular agency by putting a large amount of money into them, that cannot be used anywhere else.
Of course, if you have a ton of money to lose, then this would not be a problem; but if you don't, search for those agencies that will refund all or a part of the money if the situation falls through...OR does not ask for any placement money UNTIL the baby is fully free and clear for adoption.
We never felt like we were buying a baby.....but I've known of and heard of enough situations where this is truly a fine and sad line, indeed!!!!!
Sincerely,
Linny
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