[josh1788smom]

Yes. I said it. I am mad at God. My son has been 18 for a month or so. I made initial contact with him and thought things went pretty well. I thought we were on the way to a new relationship. I knew we would take things slowly, and we may still be. I am just mad at God today. I know my son was a little surprised to see me and hear my story (I did not tell him the story below, just that it was not my wish for him to be adopted). See he has always thought he came from an agency because I was too young. That is not the case for him. Although I did not undermine or say anything about his aparents, I would imagine I was a bit of a shocker to him. In my logical mind, I don't think it has been enough time for an 18 year old to digest a birthmom in his life. I don't want to sound all doomy and gloomy, but I feel as though these are just more days that he has been robbed from me.

See I was 17 when my son was born. My boyfriend (of 3 years) and his mother were not at all into this. Although I think the mother more than the son. Anyhow, my parents thought it would be great for me to go live 1500 miles away with an aunt who had been through this before. (placing a child). I got stuck in Oklahoma. After a week or two I asked my parents if I could come home. I wanted to parent my child. I did not want him given to someone that far away. Reading all the placement info made me ill. My dad said no. I called another aunt. She sent me money so I could buy a plane ticket and go home. I went home to parents not so happy. My parents did everything they could during my pregnancy to show their lack of support. I had no lamaze, no epidural screening, heck, I had no maternity clothes. So, I have this baby.

I go into labor - sort of. My water breaks one Friday night. My friend and I were watching movies - only my dad was home. I told my dad my water broke. He says, that doesn't matter, it's only when you have contractions that you are in labor. Sometime later, my mom comes home. I am in labor NOW. I get to the hospital at 10. My son was born at 10:33 - beat the doctor. Nice huh!! No epidural. OK - so during all this - my dad is spending his time making sure they don't list the birth announcement in the paper because "I was placing this child". So, they didn't even bring my son to me. SO I ASKED!!!! I kept him with me, and told my parents I was taking him home. I called the people who eventually became the aparents and told them he was born, and I was taking him home. I told them I would call them later. They wanted to come take him right then.

I took him home. Not an incredible amount of support. I could go on about that but it would go really long. I did call my dad's Cousins who would become aparents and tell them I was keeping my son - asked them to be Godparents - they said no. It would be too painful to see my child as they wanted him. Fast forward - My mom would complain that I had not bathed him. I was neglecting his needs. Meanwhile, I could only bathe him when someone was home because I did not have anything for a baby. So I would take him in the tub, keep him on my knees in the tub whille I did this with a swimming suit on so someone could come get him. Anyhow, stuff like this went on and on. My boyfriends mom sent him to Colorado to live with a friend because she did not like it when he was around me and our son. Nice huh! So anyhow, sleep deprived and feeling like a hormonal failure, I moped around for a few days. My dad said I could not care for this child and forced me to call his infertile cousin to come get him. The wife said "are you sure?" I am balling my eyes out. She said, "let me talk to your mom". Boom - Godspeed they are at my house. I kept my son in my room. I would not come out. My dad said - "if you do not bring him down, I will take him down, you are ruining what should be the happiest day of their life (November 20, 1988 - son 5 weeks 2 days old). I realized I would not win this. I vowed to him, I would get him back as soon as I turned 18 (1 month away). I took him to them - they took pictures and flew out the door. Like I want their (*&^%$ pictures.

Immediately after the holidays, I called the perspective amom. She said I needed to talk to perspective adad. I called him - he got all hostile. I called their atty (only legal to this point). He said I needed an atty - he could not rep us both. I called my dad - he said call my corporate atty. I did. Long story short - went to court 8 months later to contest their adoption. I lost.

I have waited to meet this child for 18 years. I met him. Now his mom can't deal with it. What about what I could not deal with??? She coveted my child. That is one of the big 10 in my book. But she will just say a rosary or two and it's all good. Meanwhile, they have my child, and I have little interest to have anything to do with my parents. Right now I just am mad at God. I feel like I was used to be a pawn for this barren woman. I could use some good advice.

Thanks for reading this incredibly long post. It's been therapeutic.