[Jannyroo]

[quote=kindofblue]I am 29 years old, and was adopted as a newborn. I have a wonderful family. Last week, I received an e-mail from my birth mother, saying she would like to have a conversation with me, but if I didn't want to, to delete the e-mail and she would not try to contact me again.My parents were always open with me about the circumstances of my adoption. However, I have never been overly curious about my birth mother. Now I am quite curious.

I have e-mailed her a couple of times. She is clear she does not want me to consider her as family but it seems she wants to be friends or have some on-going correspondence. I have not talked to her on the phone yet, but have her number if I want to call her.
My parents were as shocked as I was. I called them immediately after receiving the e-mail. I do not quite know how they are feeling about all of this. I do know they are emotional, but all I've gotten out of them is "We will support whatever you decide to do."
I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice.

2. If you are a birth mother....what is she likely to be thinking and feeling. She has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life.....however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence.

My initial thoughts are some e-mail correspondence will be adequate. I'm not sure that I want to meet her, and if I do, I know that I don't want to consider her as family. I would consider her as an important, significant person in my life, but in no way family.
I just need some help. This is all new and quite overwhelming to me right now.
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Hi, your post is showing the confusion in your mind, which is understandable, but I would urge you to proceed with caution. I am 7 months into reunion with my 28yr son and if he contacted me with a view to being "curious" that would have destroyed me. He called me "mum" from the start and I chose to go through a professional intermediary to start with, so that I could temper the pace and search through my own feelings. It is a real tsunami and I wonder if you really know what pandoras box you are opening here. I doubt very much that your bmum is being anything other than cautious and I would suggest reading between the lines, because she is the one who searched for you and she doesn't want to get hurt. And this reunion/contact thing is BIG HURT, BIG TIME and plenty of it, even when it goes reasonably well. Curiosity is to me, not sufficient to go ahead with this, I feel you are justifying a peek and see to yourself by reasoning that "she does not want to consider me as family". What a dilemma that is! Even when a full head on reunion comes about, a bmum is never family in the way the adoptive parents have been. I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that the aparents have been his family for 28 years, that I am a mum, but not a mum (in that I didn't raise him), that I am a parent (in that I have to set boundaries for us both) and yet I'm not, I'm a single woman, he calls me "mum" and yet he has a "mum" a wonderful woman in my eyes. I gave him in trust to his aparents and they have given him a great life, but if I was approaching him instead of the other way round, I would be couching my terms to avoid the hurt as much as possible, as rejection and all the baggage we carry is enormous. In other words, she may say that she does not want you to consider her as family, but we can't be anything but friends to you adoptees. Having shared next to nothing of your life, how can we be anything else? (painful as it is, we miss out on those formative years of yours). Please, don't talk to her on the phone yet. Get some counselling and explore where you want this to go. Its an awful door to open of indescribable pain and mental agony even when you want it. A tsunami of emotions is the best way I can describe it once that door is open and there's no turning back. My son gave me his adoption agency's phone number and I called them first. It gave me time to clear my head, to discuss with them from their experience what I felt, or would feel, but nothing actually prepared me for what it opened deep in my heart. I would also suggest that you read Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens book (survival guide to adoption and reunion and beyond) about aspects of reunion and the emotions involved, especially in relation to your bmother, so that you know exactly what you will be opening.

Your aparents sound great. My sons aparents were very supportive, but I think even they were not prepared for what followed, none of us were. it causes them pain, it causes all of the triad pain, its unavoidable, as much as we try to be considerate of feelings, pain is involved all the way around.

You say that she has another family now, and obviously does not need me in her life..... I don't agree! She does need you in her life, as she has made contact. Oh how our hearts are so treacherous in that we deceive even ourselves!

however, I am very important to her and she wants some correspondence. Of course you are important. No-one makes contact without wanting to establish some kind of relationship. We bmums can bend and yield to your requirements, because we never forget you! and we want things to work, we have that space in our hearts that never heals. Believe me. If your mum is contacting you, it is because there is the space in her heart to take you back into her life and how you both do that is something you both have to be honest about. Totally honest. If you don't want to have her in your life, then you must be honest with yourself and stop the ball rolling before even greater hurts happen.

You say I am not looking for another family, and do not need another person intimatley involved in my life, but at the same time, I would like to correspond with her occasionally. I need advice. Don't come to conclusions yet about the situation. You are not looking for another family, but your bmum wants you in her life in some shape or form. You are not being disloyal to your aparents, my son is not being disloyal to his aparents, and I have written to them to let them know that my son and I can have a relationship that will enhance theirs with him, as he comes to terms with who he is and his biological identity. He is loyal to them and I can assure them of that. Don't think that by contacting your bmum that your aparents will take second fiddle. As far as I am concerned, my sons aparents are his parents. I gave him in trust to them and lived with the consequences (unknown then) for the rest of my life. I accept that it will take years for my son and I to get even a reasonable relationship going (and this is where this forum helps as there are other birth mothers successfully combining their lives with their siblings). So don't jump the gun and assume this and that is what will happen. Reunions that are wanted on both sides are incredibly hard work and come with a lot of pain and unresolved issues. If you are up for that, go for it, but if you are not, back off now, before it goes too far. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have been amazed in the 7 months of reunion with my son just how much agony I have had to endure. We are through the woods now, but we both needed to want it badly for it to work and it had to involve honesty and patience on all sides. Good luck, I hope some of the points will help you in making a decision.

p.s because I was timed out, I think this reply has ended up in another post, I cant quite fathom how that happened, but sorry!