[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm sitting here, listening to every possible emo-esque song on my iTunes, silently crying into my glass of "clear fluids" (aka water) that I can only drink for two more hours. I am freaking out about surgery in the morning. Not even necessarily because I feel that something will go wrong in surgery. No. I have faith in Dr. G.

No.

I'm scared of the results. I know that I should have faith that everything will be okay. But, sometimes faith is really freaking hard, guys. I had faith that my body would be healthy in general. So far, that's not the case in anything that I've experienced in the past three years. I'm twenty-five with the kidney of someone far older in age. My uterus hates me and is rebelling. I don't want to think about any of the possibilities that could come with the results of surgery. But I do. I try to think positive. For example, I've been charting and temping even though surgery will throw us off whack just so I could get into the habit for when we receive good news. Right? Good news.

God tests me a lot. And sometimes I just don't want to be tested. I just want something to be easy. I want this surgery to be a success. I want an easy answer from the results that is fixed in a short amount of time. I want to conceive the first month that we try. I want a totally uneventful pregnancy; no bed rest, no preterm labor. I want to go into labor on my own (no induction for pre-e) and to experience labor without medication. I want a successful breastfeeding relationship. And I want my kidney to heal and/or not give me any problems anymore.

I know that's asking too much and that I should be grateful for what I have... which is so much more than others have. I know. I sound selfish tonight. But all I really want is to cuddle up wiht my Husband and have him tell me that, no matter the results, he'll still love me. Forever.

But he's at work. And I'm alone.