Lisa,
I think it is a good sign that the social worker says that Cole's Amom is open to more contact. Maybe you could write a letter to the Amom, sent through the social worker, that is very specific about your proposed increased contact (phone calls or whatever). The social worker could help you brainstorm what kinds of things you are looking for. (I think the home video is a GREAT idea.)
I am not surprised that Cole's Amom is open to more contact. As an Amom myself, I can tell you that we make decisions about contact before we understand the implications. In my case, I wanted a fully closed adoption, but our agency only did semi-open (pictures and letters). I reluctantly agreed to send the pictures and letters, but that reluctance changed to JOY and ENTHUSIAM after I met my son's Bmom. At that time in my life (years of infertility treatments, desperation to become a mother), I saw Bmoms in a vague, threatening way, like she would be the "real" mom w/whom I would have to compete for my child's affections. It wasn't until I met my son's Bmom (while she was still pregnant) and talked to a couple of Bmoms (people in my life who only revealed that they were Bmoms after they found out about my decision to adopt) that I realized that my fears were unfounded. I am now confident in my bond with my son. NOBODY could ever replace me in his life, so there is no "threat." If he reunites w/his Bmom one day, then he will just have one more person in his life to love him. What an amazing blessing for him!!
In my case, my son's Bmom chose to receive pictures and letters but does not want to contact me at all. That is what I thought I wanted, but now this arrangement makes me sad. I WANT to know how she is doing. I WANT to know that she is OK and that she is healing. I WANT to know that the pictures and letters I send her are helping and that she KNOWS that her son is happy and loved. The only information I receive about her is through the social worker, and my son's BMom has chosen not to contact her for about a year. I do know that she is still receiving the pictures & letters because the social worker verifies that she is still at the same address. I have asked her in the letters to let me know through the social worker if she wants more contact, but she hasn't responded. On my own initiative, I put together a home video for her, and I intend to send her a lock of my son's hair (if it ever grows long enough -- He was born bald!!). I am tossing around sending her some of his "artwork" for Christmas. I don't know if that might be painful for her. But, I figure that more than I promised is better than less, and she can always pack it away and pull it out to look at later, when maybe the pain won't be so sharp.
If my son's Bmom contacted me to ask for more pictures or letters, for videos, or even for occasion phone calls, I would be open to it. I never would have believed that I would feel this way pre-adoption, but I truly do. I love her very much. After all, she entrusted me with the most important person in my life!! I pray for her and think about her a lot. I send her lots of warm wishes. I only wish that she knew this.
Anyhow, that's one long-winded Amom's point of view.
- Faith