I placed my son for adoption 4 years ago. The parents were very willing to share pictures, and sent letters, but I myself was terrified to communicate with them. It took me 3 years to call them to say hello, and was so surprised at how easy it was to talk to them. They put my son on the phone and let me talk to him. I can't explain why I was so scared of it, but maybe I was afraid of feeling the full impact of what it means to have relinquished your child to someone else to raise.
My advice to you, from the bottom of my heart, is to be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You do need some sort of closure, on your own, with the decision that you made. Without that lines can get blurry, and people can get confused. I hope you can understand what I am saying. From the bottom of my heart I hope you are able to find peace in your situation...if you ever need to talk feel free to email me -
jrae2@hotmail.com