[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Forever_family

I don't know if this is the right place but if anyone would understand my feelings/emotions it would be those who are on this adoption journey.

In the past 2 weeks we have said "no" to 3 foster/adopt situations for what we feel are valid/important to our family reasons but it still leaves me feeling ugly to say "no" to a baby.

We are in the process of starting all over again with a private agency. we have to redue EVERYTHING and that is frustrating. I'm feeling naked and exposed...I don't like feeling judged. I got a call from my friend and the questions they asked our references are different then foster/adopt I feel the questions are extremely invasive and as if they are looking for the negative in our marriage and parenting skills. I'm sure we will get good references but it feels so discouraging to know that we have to go through all of this and more all over again.

We recently said "goodbye" to our foster/adopt baby of 8 months as he was successfuly reunited with his loving mother...still very hard and still very raw.

In saying "no" we feel we are making the right decisions for our family and our needs, however, I'm having a difficult time. I called my mom after telling the SW "No" about a newborn baby girl. After telling her the details of why we said "no" she acted like it was a no brainer and of course we should have never considered it. she has no idea how close we were to taking that little angel home...it offended me and it just hurt. I don't care what a child has to overcome each individual has something to offer the world regardless of limitations. The only reason we have said "no" is hard to define. Its a feeling that these are not the babies meant to be in our family more then it is we are scared of the possibility of emotional/mental health. I'm going on pure instinct and so is my DH. We also do not want a TPR situation we would rather experience an open adoption. This is purely selfish, we feel it will be better and easier for the baby/child/teenager/adult to know they are loved by all involved, thaty they were not ripped from someone who desperatly wanted them but was incapable of parnting them, we hope this will make for a more adjusted individual and our jobs as parents will be easier...okay that may be naive.

The SW's don't make you feel any better. When I explained why (birth mother had both mental illness and mentally handicapped, nothing is diagnosed, mom is the product of severe abuse from home and abuse in the foster care system...besides what kind of "father" gets a mentally handicapped girl pregnant?) There are many reasons we said "no" but the SW simply said "what if your birth children had those same genetic issues?" What if they did....finally i had to tell the SW I guess we are just shallow people...it was getting irritating at this point. So here I am with empty arms and just starting the approval process with our agency. I'm getting fatter by the minute with all my emotional eating...I think this process is driving me crazy! Any suggestions/advice? I know it will be worth it but right now I feel emotionally spent.

L

L ~ First ((((Hugs)))... I cannot imagine how hard it was to say goodbye to your little guy.

We experienced sevl situations in our wait for our second placement to which we said no. We were with a private agency but also foster-to-adopt approved and willing to consider some more difficult situations than most. And yes, it is so very hard to say no to a child. Very hard... each and every time I was very sad but I also knew that we had to do what was best for our family and for the child. If you are not ready to have a child with those special needs or potential needs then you need to say no.

The SW is not the one considering how to parent this child but it is their job to help you see every aspect of the situation. You should not let any SW guilt you into a placement. It is their job to find the right family so they ask ones that might work. You have control over whether or not you consider the placement. And you are not shallow because you made the decision you did. Don't concede that for sure. You are making a parenting decision, your first one. Own it. She can say what she wants, and yes, you may have had a bio child with mental illness, etc and I am sure you would have dealt with it if it happened. But you would not have chosen it for your family. And that is what you would be doing in this situation. I feel like you have to be specifically called to parent a child with so many special needs (or potential needs). Really... would the child be better off because someone convinced you it was the right decision? The only way to own it is to say "I made this decision" now I am the parent. It is my responsibility to care for this child. Having another put it on you well, it just doesn't work. Frankly, your SW should be ashamed of her/himself. That is manipulation.

As for your Mom, again, she is interested in your well-being and doesn't want you to be in a hard place I suspect ( I only say that based on how my MOm has reacted... she is very protective), BUT may not understand the dynamics if what it is like to face these kind of situations. None of them are no-brainers. Each has to be considered carefully and a decision made. And she also may not completely understand all that you are capable of as a family. So only you know what will work in the end. I know with both my kids, we did not tell family about them as we were making the decision as our families have never had to face these kind of decisions. Ever. I want to involve them in my decisions but sometimes, they can't offer a perspective because they've never faced the same choices. Does that make sense?

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your family. You don't want to get yourself into a situation you can't handle but you also don't want to shy away from the possibility of parenting a child. Take each one on its own and own that decision. That's all I can say... that's at least what got us through and I can say that we are very blessed to be parenting to amazing kids. We know things might get harder but they are ours.

As for the process with the new agency, we went through a private agency approval and govt approval, both leaving us feeling exposed. Alot of the process is intrusive. We used it as an exercise to strengthen our relationship and came out of it feeling more bonded and ready for what is next. Be honest. Be yourself. Just as a sidenote... one of the reasons the first mother of our DD picked us was because we talked in our homestudy about some of the hard stuff in our lives. She found it refreshing in that we didn't try to come off as perfect.

Best of everything on this journey. It is hard and frustrating and alot of times, others don't understand. Find support. One day at a time. And I hope your family grows soon!