[Forever_family]

I don't know if this is the right place but if anyone would understand my feelings/emotions it would be those who are on this adoption journey.

In the past 2 weeks we have said "no" to 3 foster/adopt situations for what we feel are valid/important to our family reasons but it still leaves me feeling ugly to say "no" to a baby.

We are in the process of starting all over again with a private agency. we have to redue EVERYTHING and that is frustrating. I'm feeling naked and exposed...I don't like feeling judged. I got a call from my friend and the questions they asked our references are different then foster/adopt I feel the questions are extremely invasive and as if they are looking for the negative in our marriage and parenting skills. I'm sure we will get good references but it feels so discouraging to know that we have to go through all of this and more all over again.

We recently said "goodbye" to our foster/adopt baby of 8 months as he was successfuly reunited with his loving mother...still very hard and still very raw.

In saying "no" we feel we are making the right decisions for our family and our needs, however, I'm having a difficult time. I called my mom after telling the SW "No" about a newborn baby girl. After telling her the details of why we said "no" she acted like it was a no brainer and of course we should have never considered it. she has no idea how close we were to taking that little angel home...it offended me and it just hurt. I don't care what a child has to overcome each individual has something to offer the world regardless of limitations. The only reason we have said "no" is hard to define. Its a feeling that these are not the babies meant to be in our family more then it is we are scared of the possibility of emotional/mental health. I'm going on pure instinct and so is my DH. We also do not want a TPR situation we would rather experience an open adoption. This is purely selfish, we feel it will be better and easier for the baby/child/teenager/adult to know they are loved by all involved, thaty they were not ripped from someone who desperatly wanted them but was incapable of parnting them, we hope this will make for a more adjusted individual and our jobs as parents will be easier...okay that may be naive.

The SW's don't make you feel any better. When I explained why (birth mother had both mental illness and mentally handicapped, nothing is diagnosed, mom is the product of severe abuse from home and abuse in the foster care system...besides what kind of "father" gets a mentally handicapped girl pregnant?) There are many reasons we said "no" but the SW simply said "what if your birth children had those same genetic issues?" What if they did....finally i had to tell the SW I guess we are just shallow people...it was getting irritating at this point. So here I am with empty arms and just starting the approval process with our agency. I'm getting fatter by the minute with all my emotional eating...I think this process is driving me crazy! Any suggestions/advice? I know it will be worth it but right now I feel emotionally spent.

L