[Peggysue]

Thank you for sharing your story. The things which spring to mind are that both your mothers cared for you. One in giving you up and another in bringing you up. You sound as if you are a Christian: Psalm 139 show that you are a special creation. However I can identify with many of your feelings.

I too am 50+, childless and a Christian. I think there is a difference between spiritual and emotional acceptance. I know I am accepted by God, but I still feel worthless. It is a deep psychological issue separate from spiritual reality. I know my birth mother acted in my best interest in giving me up (and into foster care for a year before adoption) but a new-born baby cannot make sense of that knowledge. It only feels loss. My mind tells me that I was loved by her and by my amother, who like yours had fertility issues, but my emotions are desolate.

I am asking God to heal me and it is working slowly. There are many issues to deal with and some grieving to be done. You have had great sadness in your life; have you grieved fully? I am convinced that this is necessary to healing.

Can it be that our emotions are not reality? Does that make sense? I hope you find peace in this issue and are surrounded by those who do love you, and that you can feel it.

Blessings,

Peggysue