Hello,
So many Birthmothers are experiences the fears that you are right now. May I suggest a book? It is by my friend, Courtney Frey called, "One Birthmother's Emotional Truth" - and it talks all about grieving and so on. Awesome book! You can find it here on this site.
You can also read some of my writing here on Adopting.Org and Birthmother.Com - Click my name to go to my profile, there you will see a link to my homepage. That will take you to my page.
Anyway,
What was the agreement between you and the Adoptive Parents in the first place? Have they given you any hints or signs that they may be open to more openness? Whose idea was it to choose a semi-adoption - I mean, did you decide first that you wanted contact once a year, or did they insist?
If you ever want to talk privately, you can contact me at:
lifemother@earthlink.net
Take care,
Skye