[schatz]

I'm a birthmother just beginning an open adoption and am having a really hard time. I feel like I'm going crazy...my emotions are all over the place. I go from feeling like I have no place in my daughter's life to being terrified that the amom will cut off contact...and neither one is fun. I feel worthless because I could not raise my daughter on my own and this makes me feel like my amom must think I'm worthless too. I also get SO angry because no matter what, my amom will never understand how painful this is for me and how scary it is to trust her. I don't know how to keep up this relationship. It's just so hard. If I call her when I want to or send an email, I'm worried I will overwhelm her. I'm afraid to tell her how I'm feeling because I don't want to scare her away, but I also don't want to have to pretend that everything is okay with me. I don't know the right things to say to her to make her realize that the reason I want an open relationship is because I believe it is better for the child, not because I'm not dealing with my separation. How can I not deal with the separation when I have to face every day that my daughter is not with me?
How can I get past the fear and sadness to have a healthy relationship with her? Right now, I just wish I could disappear.