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Originally Posted by josh1788smom
First, unfortunately in the adoption triad there are people that get hurt. The birthmother hurts when she is unable to raise her child and for many, many years after when she longs for contact with that child. The adoptive parents hurt when they cannot have a child - and then once blessed with one, hurt with feelings of that child abandoning them for another family. These hurts are apparently part of this old triad. I say old because it appears many, many more adoptions are open where all parties involved can benefit from knowing each other all the way through life.
In adoption its is the child who life is most impacted but it always continues to be about the parents. I would love to be able to read forums that truly look at the adopted adults feelings without having our aparents or birthparents telling us how much it hurts. Most of us get that and that is precisley why we are so confused...we are not allowed to feel our own indivual feelings whether it be hurt or content with our own situations.
Second, it saddens me to hear you put sooooo many restrictions on your possible relationship with your birthmom. I see this on here frequently with adoptees. There is such a blatant loyalty to the aparents, that you set barriers on your possible relationship with your birthmom. You do not put such limitations on friends or possible friends that enter your life. You just let those relationships bloom and see what happens. Wouldn't all parties be best served to have the same opportunity here? Haven't you ever been so close to someone that was not family, that you called them "Auntie" or "Uncle"? Would it be so bad if you had a closeness with the woman that gave birth to you and considered her family? Does that take something away from the woman that raised you? In my opinion - it does not. We can all benefit from having many people loving us. I do not always sense that from some adoptees.
Is there something wrong with being" blatantly loyal" to our parents? Non adoptees do it all the time and are respected for respecting their parents. Because you see, they are the only paretns I knew, because I love them I don't want to hurt them.....I don't see a problem there. Did I have a need to meet my birthmother at 29? YES, but I needed to resove my feelings without being told how to feel about my parents. Luckly my mom did understand but there still remained a deep fear of hurting the very women that brought me up....the only mother I knew, through no fault of anybody..especially mine.
At age 49 it especailly get my goat when younger birthmoms and adoptive moms will tell an adoptee how to feel...the "you need to understand" is really not respecting the Adoptee. We usually know that "we need to understand"...but I am thinking that the moms need to do more understanding of their sons and daughters of the deep, huge confusion that is not acknowledged of some adoptees.
Good luck to you!!!
Erikka
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I Do and have understood the moms feelings, I have 5 children, I understand the love and feelings associated with giving birth and then bringing these kids to adulthood. I an still trying to do that with mine.....I have love and respect for both my moms and both were far from perfect. My feelings for each were very differnet and I don't feel I need to defend them one way or another. It just is