[stronglove]

Dear Friends,

I am posting to both birthmoms and adoptive parents with some questions and a heavy heart. A couple weeks ago, we chose to not go through with an adoption after finding that the baby tested positive for cocaine. This was coupled with other factors -- unknown medical histories, heavy smoking and possible alcohol. The baby while premature, was in good shape with no signs of withdrawal or need for oxygen. It was the hardest decsion of our lives to not go though with it. And yet, I am clear despite the pressures and judgements from the ICU, national experts and our adoption workers, that it is right to trust one's gut, preferences and inner wisdom on such decisions. In the face of my love for this little baby and my passionate desire to be a mother this is no small thing. I think I better understand from all this, what it may be like to be a birthmother faced with decisions around relinquishment and choosing parents. All you can know is what you know at the time -- which requires so much faith and trust in what's right for you at that time.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for the family that did adopt this baby. As it should be, they did so with no ambivalence and wil happiness. That's what I wanted for the baby -- complete joy. And because of my concerns/bottom lines for many reasons, we were not the right choice.

Now, my husband and I are faced with many hard questions about the risks in domestic adoption which before had seemed more remote. After much thought and a long process, we decided on domestic adoption because we want our child to have his/her complete story an an open relationship. We want to cultivate and honor a respectful connection to the birthparents and hope this brings self-respect and esteem to our child. That we are clear about.

After this, our agency is giving me the feedback that my expections have been unreasonable. They have psychologized my preferences saying that I have "not resolved my infertility issues" and need to be able to give up control. I am really curious to hear what people think about this. Who doesn't have high hopes for their children?!

What are some of the realities of birthparents I am missing? Is it unrealistic to hope for a birthmom who hasn't done alot of nicotine, alcohol or drugs? What's "reasonable" to expect? I know each story is complex and I have much compassion for birthmoms in crisis situations. I am not judgemental about drug use. I do however, have concerns about known challenges and want to take on what I want to handle. Some of what I wonder about too, is whether I may be placing too many eggs in one basket by reaching out only to the pool of birthmothers connected to our agency. Perhaps I can network on my own to bring about a great fit. I am a psychotic optimist! The great thing about the agency (of only 2 staff), is that birthmothers recieve very solid counseling and support though the entire process and we would be sad to forfeit that tremendous resource for all involved.


Well thanks for those of you who read this. I 'd love to hear from folks.

Warmly,
Jan


__________________
Going for a caring, sensitive adoption
with love power. I know it will
happen!




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