Hello all. After my post yesterday, I got PM's about my attachment difficulties and decided it may be helpful to others if I shared my story. Please understand that I am NOT trying to scare you, just want to inform you and maybe save you some of the headaches we had.
My son was first in a baby home, then moved to foster care. He got excellent care. We visited him 2 times. I had read about attachment problems but assumed that since he was coming home at 7 1/2 months that we'd be fine. I was wrong.
Here is a great link about attachment
A4everFamily.org - HOME
I think that many new adoptive parents are afraid to talk about the issues they experience. Mostly because the issues themselves come with horrible thoughts like "This was a mistake" and "now what am I going to do?" which makes you feel like such a complete failure! I got lucky. I met another Mom here and we just happened to live close to each other. We became the best of friends and her daughter (who was in an excellent foster home) had attachment issues as well. We supported each other through the experience.
What happened? Well, you can go to the attachment and bonding thread here and see my plea for help! But I'll give you a brief over view. Trey came home and was fine for about 3 weeks. They call this the "honeymoon phase." After that, he got up 4-5 times per night. He cried ALL the time. He hit me and my kids and my husband. He bit us, slapped us, held his breath, etc. He'd cry to be held and then cry to get down. After several weeks of this, we were all exhausted. My teen daughters cried and asked "why does he hate us Mom??" It broke my heart.
I read everything I could find on attachment parenting. I liked a book called The Post Adoption Blues. It was written by a couple who adopted from China. I began to practice attachment parenting in ernest.
I wore my son ALL the time. Either in a front carrier, in my arms, or in a backpack. I massaged him (even when he wiggled away and kicked me), I bathed with him, slept with him, rocked him, sang to him, stoked him, hugged him....all while being constantly hit. It took time but the whining, crying, hitting, slapping, and biting stopped in June. He began to sleep through the night in July. He now is a delight!!! He even goes to daycare now a few days a week (I am a PhD student) and LOVES it.
My best advice is don't believe that it won't happen to you. If your child is coming home older than 6 months, you will probably have some attachment issues (though hopefully not severe). Be prepared. Know the symptoms. Plan to practice attachment parenting from the first day. Get your house completely organized before hand. Hire someone to clean and do laundry. When friends offer to help, ask them to do housework or prepare meals for you. Concentrate on your relationship with your little one and HOLD him/her as much as you can.
Adopting my son was the most difficult thing I have ever done. It was also the most important thing. He is a joy and a blessing! It's just that he was terrified, hurt, and angry and he needed to get it out. In some weird way, the trauma of this has actually bonded us closer.
Good luck and please if any of you have trouble. Feel free to PM me and I'll listen.
Here is another picture of my baby boy!