[kakuehl]

Part 2 of my life

D was born October 4, 1972. He was officially placed with his adoptive parents on October 31. (His birth father had married in the summer of 1972. I had named him as father on the birth certificate but I don't remember that he had to sign any papers when I signed to "relinquish" D. I do remember asking him for medical information.

John and I graduated in May, 1973, from college with degrees in Music Education and married on July 21, 1973. We had a (very) brief honeymoon and returned to my parents' home to find that he had been offered a job teaching music. (When we got married our only income was from John's summer job as a battlefield tour guide at Gettysburg, PA (US Civil War).)

The wedding was an interesting thing. (It grew, as most weddings seem to!) I just wanted to get married in a small ceremony at my home church (Lutheran). My mother checked with HER pastor (Baptist) to see if it was appropriate for me to get married in church (being a fallen woman and all, lol) He informed her a small wedding would be appropriate and so it began. We took my grandmother with us when we went dress shopping. We found an ecru colored dress that I loved. Grandma, who wasn't in on the "secret" couldn't understand why I didn't want white. (The only ones NOT in on the secret were my grandmother, John's grandmother, and my father's brother and sister-in-law. Aunt D is known far and wide for her ability to bend the truth.) Ironically of course, it's the veil not the color of the dress that indicates virginity. (I say ironically because I wore a veil without a question or comment from mom.) When my sister married 15 years later, she wore my mother's wedding dress. Mother made the comment the she hadn't wanted me to wear it. (ouch)

I wanted the classmate I was sharing an apartment with to be my attendant. Mom decided my sister (the tomboy) would be hurt because SHE expected to be in the wedding. I then decided that all siblings should be in the wedding. John has 3 brothers and I have 2. The oldest brother was John's best man and the rest served as ushers with some interesting results -- the youngest one fainted. It was an eventful wedding! (And we're still together 33 years later!)

The guest list grew too. I still haven't figured out why my parents' lawyer was invited. My mother was frustrated because I wouldn't make decisions. (That's because anything I wanted was wrong! So I just let her have fun.)

The first few years after the adoption were rough at times. Although I was at peace with my decision to place, it was still rough. Birthdays were especially hard (since we share the day, I can't possibly forget.) When I began to get close to anyone, I felt the need to "share" my story; that was the only way I felt honest. (I suspect I was also testing the relationship.) I'm not sure my mother ever forgave me for choosing adoption. For years she added him to the number of grandchildren she listed in her Christmas cards. My arms ached to hold a baby and I probably pushed John to have children before we would have had them in other circumstances. (Very few of our college classmates had children at the time of our 5th reunion.)

John and I kept in touch with J & E while J was in seminary. (Ironically John was a friend of E in college.) I don't know if J ever told E about the baby. We lost touch with J & E after J was ordained and in his first call. A couple years later we got a Christmas card from J & S! J & E had split up (DUH!) We then remained in contact with them over the years, mostly by phone. When I was in seminary I would see J on campus occasionally. S knew about the baby and we talked openly about it. She had several children from her first marriage and they had a son together. I once asked J what he wanted me to do, if I was ever contacted by our son and he wanted to meet his father. J said he'd trust my judgment. Unfortunately, he died in 2000 of cancer. It was a long fight. We went to his funeral and I was struck by how much J, Jr. looked like his Dad. (Sometimes D sounds incredibly like J and has many of his birth father's gestures.)