[tkojle]

12 years ago I gave birth to a little girl. The adoptive parents and I agreed on a open adoption. I only requested pictures every year....after 5 years the pictures became less and less.

Just last month after 6 years of no photos I contacted them through our post office box. After sending my letter enclosed with my home address, cell number and email address ( Not sure what it would bring ) Since there hasn't been any contact for some time. I recieved a phone call one week after delivery from the adoptive mom. She sounded so excited to hear from me. And explained that her and the adoptive father were no longer together. And my daughter was doing well. And also explained that she has been asking about me. This amazed me.....she also stated that my daughter would like to send me an email. to my surprise! I was shocked and overwhelmed. The adoptive mom said she would wait to tell her after their vacation on labor day weekend.

I waited and friday I recieved an email:


Sorry it has taken me so long to send you an email. With this you now have my email. We haven't told her yet, but she just asked about you again last weekend. She is settling into middle school right now. It's a lot of work and a lot of changes to get used to! Given the added homework, new middle school, new friends, she is doing quite well.

I want to let her know that we now know where you are and that you are well. She was concerned that maybe something had happened to you, but I assured her that if you were not, we would know.

I will ask her dad to forward some pictures of her when he is in the office next week. I'm still in the stone ages when it comes to digital cameras!

Well I have to run. I'll email you soon and as soon as we speak with her and she will write you a letter.



this was great.... but then I recieved this email:

To adoptive mom:



As we talked about this subject before I think you may be making a big mistake here; it may be way too early to start this continuous line of communication with birth mom. She is only 12 and has some very tough years physically, and more importantly, emotionally, ahead of her. She’ll be confused at times and feel unloved at other times, the bond between parent and child will be stressed. Through these teen years, she’ll feel insecure, have emotional problems disagree with our rules and fight with us, and then she’s going to reach out to someone; who better than her biological birth mother, who lives miles away and has no clue what’s happening here in N.Y. (the birth mom) natural mother instincts may be to take her side. I’m sure the birth mom is a very lovely young women and a wonderful mother. I’m just trying to do what I believe is right at this time to protect her. I’m not trying to be mean, but I believe contact with birth mom at this time, should be on a minimal basis. As she gets older and becomes more secure with her emotions and feelings, I welcome, and will encourage more communication with the birth mom, and then it could be very beneficial to all of us.


( please note this above letter was sent to his ex wife) ( my daughters adoptive mom)






To birth mom

Please understand I’m not trying to hurt your feelings and I know you have only good intentions that come from your heart. We discuss everything that happens in her life and don’t think for any minute you’ve caused any problem, because you haven’t. I just had to get this off my chest before the adoptive mom talks me out of sending this. I just have to express my feelings. I’ll send pictures.

Truly,
the adoptive dad




I agree with both of them. All is needed to assure myself in my choices. The photos of her ....helps me realize thar she is happy and healthy. I never want to disrupt any part of their lives. Being an open adoption what are my choices. And how would you respond to this?
My family has never been supporting in this issue. Kinda sweep it under the rug. My spouse knows what happened many years ago but thinks i should leave it alone.

The sad and most hurtful thing now.... We are trying to concieve our first child for the past year now. No luck...sometimes it feels like a punishment. But I know thats not the case.

What would you do? how would you handle it?

I appreciate any insight!