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Okay - I put these questions to my best friend's brother and sister, who came into her life from foster care when they were 10 and 8 years old. Hope you don't mind me posting it this way - they were happy to answer the questions, but don't actually post here themselves. (brief history - they were never actually adopted, but both have legally changed their last names to my friend's family name! Their birth mom was an alcoholic - some physical abuse, but mostly neglect. Carol was 10 and very parentified - Mike was 8 and has some physical handicaps. They are now 24 and 22.).
[quote=Mom2blessings]
Did you feel like you "belonged"?
Mike - yes, pretty much right from the start. My mom's parenting was so inconsistent that I never felt like I really "belonged" with her - it was mostly Carol that took care of me, and as long as she was with me I was okay.
Carol - not at first. It took a long time and I mostly just wanted to go home to my "mom". I resented the hell out of these people for YEARS because I saw them as being the ones who took me away from my "mom" and wouldn't let me go home. See, the problem is that my birth mother wasn't really EVER a mom - but I wanted her to be, and kept thinking that she'd change. It wasn't until my teens that I really started to make the shift. And now that I have a baby of my own, I really need my REAL mom and my sisters! They are there for me in every way - and I will never, never see my birth mother again.
(Mike says that he'd like to see their birth mother again - just to see how she's doing and if she is okay. Carol says she doesn't care and doesn't want her around her baby)
If not, was it something your adoptive family did or did not do, that made you feel this way?
Both said that the Reilly's included them in everything right from the start. They'd been in a couple of foster homes that sent them away from respite on holidays and when they went for vacation - they were amazed to find out they'd be spending their first Christmas actually AT the Reilly's and getting presents from everyone - even extended family. And that they were always introduced as "my son/daughter" or "my brother/sister" instead of as foster children. Carol says it made her really mad to have to follow the same rules as the other kids, but that she realizes now that made her feel like she was one of them.
Are you glad you were adopted?
They weren't adopted, and feel that doesn't matter. Both say that the Reilly's are their really family, and they changed their names to reflect that. But YES - they are glad to be a part of this family.
Did you have an open adoption?
They had continuing access to their mother - both are glad that they had this so that they could see her for who she really was. Carol says she wishes that Children's services had terminated parental rights much earlier and not put them through the hell of reunion attempts and continued visits. After TPR, they were allowed some visits, but eventually stopped going. Mike has now reunited with his birth father and has a relationship with him, but still considers the Reilly's his real parents.
Do you think all adopted children would benefit from therapy? Both say "no" to this. (my own side note is that my friend - their sister - thinks the answer should be "yes". Carol and Mike but still seem to be struggling with issues of abandonment and insecurity).
In your opinion, what can an adoptive family do help the children adopted from foster care the most?
Carol - don't give up on them. Let them know they are yours forever even when they act out and make stupid mistakes. Treat them the same as your other kids. Don't say any bad stuff about their birth parents. I hated hearing that my mother was not a good mother (even though I knew it was true). I remember one time that a visit went really bad - we were supposed to be with her for the weekend, but she hooked up with some guy and dropped us off at an out door skating rink and left us there for HOURS. I would NOT call my mom to ask for help, because I knew she'd say "I told you so" and point out how irresponsible my mother was. But I called my sister because I knew she'd just come get us and not say anything.
Mike - just let them be kids and have fun. We didn't have a childhood and that's what we wanted more than anything. Let them just forget that they are foster kids or adopted. They don't want to think about that all the time.
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