[swanzie]

Shelly,

I am sorry but you had me on the floor laughing...I am sure you have my fd!! I know it isn't funny and I go thru these emotions just as you. I even sent my two to camp this summer with the hopes that once they were gone I'd have this pang in my heart that I miss them. I can honestly say it isn't there. Yet these children need us, are progressing....I am not sure about healing...but they are making progress with growth, socially and mentally.

I don't know how long you have had your kids - but look at it this way it took years for the bio's to do this damage - and it will take years to undo most of it (if any). The first time my fd called me mom - I wanted to die - my insides did a flip and I thought I was going to heave. It was heart wrenching...but the fact is that I don't feel the love that a mom should have towards their daughter. How can we? The wall that RAD kids have put up around them is so high and thick that it would take an act of congress to get into their heart...that is where reading every attachment book and having a good attachment therapist for these children is a MUST. We have to learn to parent these children effectively. We aren't going to get the love and respect and honesty from them that we would a normal child. It is the most difficult emotion to put to words...and I like your description about the walmart greeter...because that is EXACTLY what happens in this house. The problem is to not let that greeter get the same reaction or give the love that child is seeking...they must get it at home and not from strangers - from whom they seek it. It is all a form of manipulation....and will get worse in time. I do not let my child hug me on her terms...very hard to do...but I am the one who must initiate it...if she tries - I really know she is up to something else - and has probably got some plan going on.

The feelings you are having I understand, and I don't have any advice as how to quickly fix it. I can only give you suggestions and things that have worked for me. The biggest thing is truely to get into counceling with your daughter - and you need a coucelor who is trained in attachment therapy. any other kind of therapy is just a waste of time on a child with RAD. The only thing it does is make their maniuplation skills better. Behavior charts dont work with this type of child...the consequences have to vary so they don't know what it will be - so they can't pick and choice what happens to them. I tried this - and my fs just did the chores he needed to earn x amount because that is all he needed to by a cookie at lunch every day.
Hugs and affection should only be given by you and your husband - not outsiders, not teachers - nobody - I had to go into my fd class and explain all this to the teacher. I printed off a letter from Nancy Thomas's website to teachers explaining rad. It can't be allowed - it hinders growth. And any growth is what you need to start to attach so you can emotionally feel like mom. I hope I am making some sense. It is hard, and truely not believable by others with "normal" children. They just don't get this emotion we have. I understand...and there are plenty who do...you are not alone. There are a few other things that I have to suggest to you...first make sure that you make eye contact with this child. When given instructions to do something have them look you in the eye and repeat it. Follow up each and every time. If you say go brush your teeth and don't follow-up to make sure they do - it won't get done....that is just an example. Secondly touch this child each and every day in some loving way. A rub of the head - a hug, a cuddle - they will resist - but do it anyway. Congradulate them on telling them the truth - pop a caramel in her mouth - literally you put in in her mouth when she is telling you the truth or you feel an attachment moment. This is very powerful for the brain to react to and is a way in.

I wish you the best - and if there is anything else you want to vent about feel free to pm me anytime - as I have been there and am doing the same things as you...and I am wrestling with the same loveless emotions as you.