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Yesterday I wrote a friendly e-mail to my daughter. I told her what I have been doing and sent pictures of my recent projects. I told her that I hoped that she is at peace and that I would love to hear from her. Of course I hope she answers but I will no longer allow myself to be miserable because my daughter has distanced herself. I do not intend to spend the rest of my life feeling bad about myself.
M. found me after 33 years. I was happy to learn that she was given to a loving family and that she was leading the kind of life most people want.
It was understandable that there would be questions. It was exhaustive and painful. I'm sure alot of you know what I mean. (She even forwarded a letter to me that her dad wrote about the night she was concieved- I did draw the line there.) I was recieving endless pictures of her and my grandson and felt everything would be okay after we met.
It was a profound experience to see and toutch her and to hold my granson. Soon after she broke it off. Something like "I have all the infomation I need - but don't think a relationship is possible."
For two years I have sent cards to her ocasionally and gifts for the kids. I get back "thank you notes" with a picture of the kids- thats it. I have gone crazy at times wondering what is so bad about me? I have been liked and respected by most people that know me. She never got to know me. The adult me, not the teenaged me. She never answered my questions except basic facts. I don't think she ever thought of me as a person- just a source of information.
I have read all this stuff about adoptee's
confusion during reunion etc.. Please don't ask me to understand. She is the only one who knows why and she's not talking. I'm just saying how I feel. If she doesn't answer my letter I will continue to send cards for her birthday and Christmas and gifts to the kids but I going to enjoy what is left of my life regardless. It may just be the increase of my antidepressant's but I feel better.
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