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redbonec,
I am sorry you are struggling with this. i remember that before my DD was born (at the end of may 05), Dh and I met met DD's birth mom and dad for dinner on mother's day, and she was upset that DH had not gotten me a mother's day present. and i was like, "but I'm not a mom, DD's birth mom, until you say so."
We then visitied with DD's birth mom at 6 weeks after birth, and birth mom (though of course she loved seeing/holding DD) was doing similar things to what your kiddo's birth mom was doing.....I think it is a coping mechamism, and I just think you need to allow her to do/say things she feels comfortable with...
I think it's great that you want birth mom to acknowledge what an important role she has...I bet some day she will.....Believe me, I know how hard this is all is, but just focus on the joy of your child right now, and it will all (I am sure) work itself out to a more comfortable place. K
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