[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by ess922

Thank you for all of your helpful input. To answer some questions posed:

1. Yes, we have already finalized the adoption. Baby is under 6 mos old.
2. No, there is no agency that could help us mediate the situation. We used a private adoption atty. He is unsupportive of open adoption in general. His view is that we should gradually stop contact with bmom anyway (even if the circumstances were not as they are, this is what he'd advocate).
3. We tried the idea of reaching out to the birth-aunt I mentioned (as well as to another birth-aunt and one of the b-grandmas). That is exactly what we had hoped for (and what we thought they wanted based on our conversations with them when baby was born). None of them have responded to our latest attempts at sending pics/updates. Plus, bmom has very troubled relationships with all 3 of these people. She is no longer living near them and I have no idea how often she is in touch.

I am just so furious with her that I cannot imagine actually picking up the phone the next time she calls. Again, not wanting to reveal too much... but to fully understand this, I need to say that shortly after baby's birth (but past the post-birth window of time for continued living expense support in our state), bmom called us frantically (every 1/2 hour for a while on a few days) to ask that we provide our credit card info to a hotel manager so she would not be kicked out of where she was staying. Also, she told us openly about the illegal activities she was running from that very motel. Needless to say we did not finance this for her. We told her that legally we can no longer help her with living expenses. Every time I think about that series of calls, it makes me mad all over again. Its such a symbol of the poor choices she makes and how she puts the baby last. And a symbol of how much she used us in different ways during/after the pregnancy. But, on our part, we did allow it to go on and we should not have!

Yes, as someone said, we did agree to the placement. Knowing on some level all the drama that would come with that. Or at least we should have. I think thats part of what I am upset about (in some ways, I wish we had backed out of this before baby was born). I know that sounds terrible to say... But this stuff with bmom is really negatively effecting my abilility to bond and connect with the baby. Its so sad!

Anyway, again, thanks for the support and words to consider.

I completely understand the disappointment and anger from all this. I've felt it all as things have happened in the last 2 1/2 years since Bug came to us. The drama doesn't help you get to the normal you desire after finally becoming a parent. I know that part. But there's also the reality... some of us enter into relationships that require work. Should we put ourselves in danger? No. Will the feelings we have regarding our child's first family affect our relationship. They can, and that is specifically why I personally work hard to keep trying to understand where they're coming from, or how it happened to be that they got to this tough place, since I can't for the life of me imagine making those choices myself. It's a journey, and right now, you're going through the grieving period, partly anyways, that things didn't/haven't worked out the way you imagined. And that on top of the regular stuff of caring for, bonding with your child and adjusting to life with another person in your family, well, it's doubly hard. I know, as I'm going through it too.

Hope things get easier. It sounds like you have gone the extra mile to try to keep contact. What I am doing right now is journaling and making a photo album for when I see her again, be it in a few months or when Bug is older. I hope it is sometime.