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Originally Posted by ess922
I've written occasionally about the problems we've been having with the bmom of our 2nd child. Our first adoption is very open and while its not perfect, its really quite good overall and I think the relationship will benefit the child in the long run.
With this baby and bmom, I don't think a relationship will benefit the child. But I cannot tell if thats just because I am angry at her for certain behaviors during and after the pregnancy or if its legitimate to feel the child will really be better off without her presence.
There was extensive drug use during pg (baby was born postive), continues to be violence, drug use, arrests/jail time on and off, and lots of illegal activity in bmom's life. Bmom has no stable place to live, no job, lost custody of her other kids, etc. We live several states away so I'm not concerned about that kind of stuff finding its way to our home, just not sure how to foster even a healthy long-distance, long-term relationship for baby with all of this as the backdrop.
Boundaries/limit setting don't work too well with bmom. I would really like to have a pictures/letters relationship with her. Would have no problem sending frequent updates that way, but really I do not have the emotional energy for the calls with all their drama. Bmom won't agree to that b/c she has no address where she can receive mail. I had sent a letter recently to her last known place where she was staying. Just after it went in the mail, I get a message from her saying that she is now banned from that location (restraining order) b/c of illegal activity.
Anyway, now my method of communication with her is non-existant. And I avoid her calls. The last message she left was angry. On one level I don't blame her. I hate situations where adoptive parents promise ongoing contact and then go back on that promise. I never thought I'd be an adoptive parent who would do that. I believe so strongly in the importance of open adoption in most cases -- for the benefit of the child. But, I realize that I did not think all this through properly before baby was born. I never should have agreed to ongoing contact with all that was going on in bmom's life. We have no official "agreement." There is nothing in writing and even if there was, such agreements are not legally binding in either state involved. It was a verbal agreement we had. Mostly based on our first child's adoption. We had told this bmom the extent of openness in that first adoption and she said she wanted the same level of contact (regular phone calls, pictures and visits when possible).
Keep asking myself if now her situation is actually worse than it was during the pg when we were in touch for 7 months prior to the birth. In some ways it really is. And also, I think I am burned out from all of it.
The other thing that sticks in my mind is what birth-aunt said to us just before we left their state with the (then) newborn baby. She said, "you take this baby, get before a judge as fast as you can, make sure its all done and final and don't ever look back. don't even try to have a relationship with her (bmom). being far away from her is the best thing that can ever happen to this baby." was she speaking out of bitterness or the wisdom of experience? (probably both but I cannot get her words or her seriousness of tone out of my mind).
Sorry to ramble. Grateful in advance for any support or advice.
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Although I don't want to speak directly about our situations, I can say that I can empathize with your concerns for your child because of the previous/present choices of your child's first mother. This would be my line of thinking and how I am dealing with our situations. First off, I have acknowledged the fact that the lifestyle and choices of my kiddos' first mothers may not PRESENTLY be a positive thing in my kids' lives. But the fact is (and it sounds like it may be this in your situation too) that I knew this was a very real possibility based on their choices before and during the pg. I knew that this most probably could be an issue and yet, I accepted a placement where an open relationship was a consideration. I have to take responsibility for that and try to find a way to make it work.
And it has... to this point, with Bug's first family, we have found a mediator within the birth family who can relay updates/pics etc. Bug's firstmom at this point in her life is not interested nor capable of maintaining a relationship. I choose to keep her updated through the mediator, who knows how to get in touch with us and who knows how to get in touch with her. I have chosen (and Bug's first mom knows this) to not give her our current information directly because we live closer and until she can be trusted with the info based on changes she is currently working on, we can't take the risk that we are putting our family at risk.
With Roo's first family, we are still in direct contact as there has been considerable steps taken to make better choices.
I guess all that to say is that I would not CLOSE the relationships because I hope and pray that one day, they will be able to be in healthy open relationships with my kids. I want that door to stay open and I want, in the end, for my kids to know and their first families to know that we made the effort, even under trying circumstances to keep our commitments we made when we accepted the placement of the child.
It's tough though... you have to do what is best for your child in these situations. In your case, would the birth aunt be willing to pass on general updates or be the person that at least holds your info in case their is a time your child's first mother would be able and ready to be a part of your life? Just a thought...