[mom2GRLC]

How old is the baby? Have you finalized the adoption yet? I would be careful and talk to a layer before making any changes. There are cases where the bmom can claim Fraud or somehtign like that saying you had planned an open adoption and had one and then cut her off. I'd just want to make sure you didn't have a legal obligation to her before you speak with her about it.

I would put your childs needs first regardless of what you talked about before hand. Look at the long term picture here. What kind of contact do you feel is best for your child? How did you want her to benefit from an open adoption when you started this adoption.

Will the bmom always be like this? Or will there come a time when she grows up some more and make some better choices in her life. Will you have been glad you waited and did what you could to build that relationship along the way. Or is it better for your child to never have direct contact and just wait unitl she is older for that?

Open adoption isn't for everyone in it's (direct form). Sometimes semi-open is better. If she doesn't have a reliable address maybe you can use a family member of hers to receive letters for her. OR maybe your agency would be best. At least until more time has passed. The problem with that is it's hard to tell where a person is emotionally, lifestyle wise etc...if you aren't at least in phone contact with her or have some way of knowing what is going on in her life along the way. How will you ever know when her life is more stable. you can't relly on her to tell you the truth of what's all going on in her life....especially if she knows your waiting for her to clean up her act. She'll just put this fake front on when your around or in her letters etc.

I guess my opinion would be to not talk to her about it at this point in time. Just keep on as your going. Only answer or return her calls when you feel ready to talk to her. If she asks for a visit just be upfront with her and tell her not at this time. Your baby doesn't have to have any direct contact with her. until you feel she is ready for that. But that doesn't mean you can't still stay in contact with her.

Another thing I would advice is you mentioned being angry. Well, don't make these decision when your angry. Think about them, write out pros and cons to your choices and then re-visit them again when your not so upset about it and your mind is a little clearer.

This is a life long relationship your daughter will or will not have with her birthmother. She will always be her birthmother and may very well want a relationship with her when she is older. Would you rather be there by herside through out her life helping her through that relationship or would you rather her deal with it by herself when she is out of the house?

My kids come from hard circumstnaces as well (fostercare) but I know they will have lots of questions, concerns and anger, sadness adn love for their first families. I want to be there for my kids along the way to help them throguh all these emotions. Soemday they will have to deal with all those feelings all by thyemselves that's justa part of growing, but until then, I can't erase or pretend they don't exist. They do, they always will, that hurt will always be there as well as the love they wil have for them. So I want to accept my kids for who they are, where they have come from and who they will become. Their birthfamilies are a part of that.