[ess922]

I've written occasionally about the problems we've been having with the bmom of our 2nd child. Our first adoption is very open and while its not perfect, its really quite good overall and I think the relationship will benefit the child in the long run.

With this baby and bmom, I don't think a relationship will benefit the child. But I cannot tell if thats just because I am angry at her for certain behaviors during and after the pregnancy or if its legitimate to feel the child will really be better off without her presence.

There was extensive drug use during pg (baby was born postive), continues to be violence, drug use, arrests/jail time on and off, and lots of illegal activity in bmom's life. Bmom has no stable place to live, no job, lost custody of her other kids, etc. We live several states away so I'm not concerned about that kind of stuff finding its way to our home, just not sure how to foster even a healthy long-distance, long-term relationship for baby with all of this as the backdrop.

Boundaries/limit setting don't work too well with bmom. I would really like to have a pictures/letters relationship with her. Would have no problem sending frequent updates that way, but really I do not have the emotional energy for the calls with all their drama. Bmom won't agree to that b/c she has no address where she can receive mail. I had sent a letter recently to her last known place where she was staying. Just after it went in the mail, I get a message from her saying that she is now banned from that location (restraining order) b/c of illegal activity.

Anyway, now my method of communication with her is non-existant. And I avoid her calls. The last message she left was angry. On one level I don't blame her. I hate situations where adoptive parents promise ongoing contact and then go back on that promise. I never thought I'd be an adoptive parent who would do that. I believe so strongly in the importance of open adoption in most cases -- for the benefit of the child. But, I realize that I did not think all this through properly before baby was born. I never should have agreed to ongoing contact with all that was going on in bmom's life. We have no official "agreement." There is nothing in writing and even if there was, such agreements are not legally binding in either state involved. It was a verbal agreement we had. Mostly based on our first child's adoption. We had told this bmom the extent of openness in that first adoption and she said she wanted the same level of contact (regular phone calls, pictures and visits when possible).

Keep asking myself if now her situation is actually worse than it was during the pg when we were in touch for 7 months prior to the birth. In some ways it really is. And also, I think I am burned out from all of it.

The other thing that sticks in my mind is what birth-aunt said to us just before we left their state with the (then) newborn baby. She said, "you take this baby, get before a judge as fast as you can, make sure its all done and final and don't ever look back. don't even try to have a relationship with her (bmom). being far away from her is the best thing that can ever happen to this baby." was she speaking out of bitterness or the wisdom of experience? (probably both but I cannot get her words or her seriousness of tone out of my mind).

Sorry to ramble. Grateful in advance for any support or advice.