I gave my little boy up for adoption over 11 years ago now. Part of me died that day, for I never wanted to give him up. I wanted him to have everything, and if he stayed with me, he would of had nothing but my love. However, I knew that if I TRULY loved him, I knew what I had to do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in life to date.
I cried for years, I still cry. The pain never goes away. But here is what is really bothering me. 6 years ago, I started dating a wonderful man. Got married 2 and a half years later and started trying for a baby immediately. Went to the OBGYN and he stated that I had PCOS, which explained alot going on with my body. So he put me on Metformin and started me on Clomid. For 3 months we did this. Only for the 3rd month, for him to look at me and say... "I'm sorry, your not producing eggs. No, eggs, no babies." Then he said the knife stabbing statement... "Look on the brightside... you at least have one child!" It wasn't his fault, I hadn't told him that I gave the child up for adoption.
At the time I was 315 pounds. He suggested I have gastric bypass surgery to lose the weight and that may help. The only thing I could think of at that time was I GAVE UP MY ONLY CHILD, SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME NOW!! What part of me that didn't die that day I gave Drew up, the rest died that day.
Well to make a long story short.. because this is already long enough... I got therapy help, I went and had the gastric bypass surgery, and it's been over a year and a half since surgery. I'm down to 200 pounds now.
Today I go to the Fertility Group, today I sat down and talk to the doctor. Today, I'll start the process to truly find out if I "have" given up my only child. I am sooo scared, I set here crying now, fearful of what I may hear. I don't have much life in me left to hear it, if it is bad.
I know people have told me... well you can adopt... but I can't. I've been put through so much. It's one thing to not be able to have your own and adopt. But to have your own, to hold him, knowing that you created him, only to watch a nurse walk off with him. You live with the hope that one day you will have another, only to find out you won't/can't.
Like I said.. I could really use some words of wisdom, if anybody has any out there. I would really appreciate them.
