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Oh, honey, your post reads just like several of mine over the last year. We had to work so hard on this issue with our DD and with the family members, especially my husband's parents. Long story short, I am hardly on speaking terms with them now, and we see them much less often than we used to. MOST of our family members understood the situation and complied with our requests to back off and limit their touching. We allowed NO holding, except maybe a minute or two here or there, usually when a grandparent was feeling selfish and just snatched her up. Our daughter came home at 11 months and has been home just over a year. Really, her affection with anyone other than mom or dad was diminished maybe 2-3 months ago. I talk with her about it all the time, and when I know we will be visiting with family members I explain to her BEFORE the visit how she is to behave (no lap sitting, no hugging, etc.) She finally became fearful of strangers, and is actually uncomfortable when someone else touches her, or tries to pick her up. I am so thankful to be at this point, but it was so much work.
Before we brought DD home we copied articles on attachment and gave them to all family members, and told them what the "rules" would be with our child. My in-laws were not easy though, and they never really understood. I honestly think they beleived that all those rules where for everyone else. They broke every rule and even begged to let DD spend the night with them, and to just "drop her off for them to care for on Saturdays while I did my shopping".
They have finally just stopped arguing with my husband and have backed off. I am sure they think that we just don't want to be around them, or don't want to have DD get to know them (at least this is what they have claimed in the past). They have made it totally about them, and as you have indicated, they didn't understand that the affection DD poured over them was the same she poured over a complete stranger. They were just ecstatic that their granddaughter was, what looked to them, "crazy about her Grandpa and Grandma". I am growing some thick skin though. The situation with the in-laws may get worse before it gets better, but thankfully they are staying away, although there are hurt feelings. However, we have to do what is best for DD. She is our priority, and her issues will always be our priority.
TAke care of yourself and your family, and don't let the in-laws get to you. They are grown ups and should understand and accept what the girls need. The girls are innocent and do not have a clue yet what grandparents are. There is plenty of time for them to have a relationship with grandparents when they are healed and have complete trust in mom and dad.
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