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Originally Posted by banjo
This is a hypothetical question and I would like adoptee's thoughts. Many adoptees in reunion don't want/need a lot of contact with their bmothers. I know a few bmothers in this situation where all we get are random emails or texts or phone calls from our bchildren. Or we do 90 percent of the work in the relationship. For myself and many others we have now given up hope of the relationship ever improving.
But what to do about it?
I was wondering how adoptees who don't want a lot of contact would feel if your bmother was honest and said that she accepted that the relationship was never going to be more than it is BUT that she needed more (ie say more f-2-f contact, or regular emails etc) AND since she knew that you were not ready to give more and she couldn't see it changing she had decided it was best for her to cut contact and move on in her life with certainty.
Or would it be better to just let the relationship fade away - which is what is happening to most of us anyway unless we continue to do all the work.
Would you respect our honesty or would it just be yet another bmother rejection?
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what I would say to the birthparent.
I have heard more then one adoptee say, "you are the mother/father it is you who need to try harder"
or something to that effect.
OK, it isn't that an adoptee doesn't need to participate.. it is or could be, the child inside of them saying, mom if you really wanted me like you say, prove it.
It is true, if you raise a child, you work every day on the relationship. It is part of being a parent. So in essence what is the difference? Just because your birthchild is an adult doesn't mean as a "parent" you need to work at it less or that it will even be a 50/50 relationship.
In an adult reunion, you can't physically work every day on it, but you may need to at least look as if you are..
does that make any sense? not sure it makes sense to me.
Sometimes you have to accept what you get, a little or a lot. You don't throw away a small relationship just because you wanted a big one.
I guess the last line is it..