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I found my bmom in April and on May 8th we had our first phone call. She, very obviously, had no desire to speak about anything in the past. When she did talk about the past, she blamed everyone but herself for what had happened to me. (I was a neglect case and she was a drug abuser). We had a superficial relationship. We talked about most of the things she wanted to talk about, and the stuff I wanted to talk about she just lied about. I can say that because I knew my entire story inside and out. We were in contact for two months. She pushed for a face to face right away and against better judgement allowed it by that weekend. We no longer speak, mainly because of her lack of honesty. Her unwillingness to speak of what happened truthfully or anything for that matter. I felt like I put in 100% of the effort in that relationship and got nothing in return. However, I don't feel rejected. Mainly because I went into this expecting that this would happen. Now, with bdad's side of the family, there is 50-50 effort. Bdad has passed, but his sister and I talk, weekly. Due to money issues it makes it difficult to visit one another, but there is definitly 50-50 in this relationship.
I believe that this type of relationship, much like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, takes a very long time to establish. I believe that both sides go into a reunion with a certain level of expectation of the other. Unfortunatly I also think that people end up getting disappointed when those expectations aren't fulfilled. I think if the reunion is nurtured and time is taken, it will get better. But it's navigating. As an adoptee, we go into these with so many questions that need answering. We often feel like we are betraying our aparents in searching for "our missing part" thus resulting in little contact in the beginning. But in time we learn how to juggle both relationships and we realize that it's okay. Pushing for more f-2-f or more phone calls, emails, letters when the other isn't ready will ultimately scare off the other. It takes time and patience.
I think that if there is a relationship, no matter how little, that's better than nothing at all right? Be hopeful that things will get easier, PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE is the most important. One phone call a month, better than nothing at all. In time it could turn to two or three and eventually maybe talking everyday.
I hope this helps.
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