Yes we have gone through this with all the grandparents. After 5+ years, I have a few thoughts on the matter.
Number one, I am a very direct person and have said to my mother when she pulled this sort of thing: "don't make this about yourself. Raising a PI kid is NOT the same as raising a bio at first. You have no experience with it, I am living it. You can take it personally if you want to, but it has nothing to do with you. I have only my child's interest in mind, whose interest are you looking after?" Now, this is not for everyone, I know. But this is your childrens' life and sometimes the direct method is the only way to go. You don't have to be as harsh as that, but you do have to be firm.
With my in laws, it was different. They really just don't get it and wonder how too much love can hurt a kid, especially one from an orphanage, blah blah blah. No amount of talking could really make them get it. So I allow a brief hug hello and a brief hug good bye. That's it. If I see them trying to kiss the kids, feed them or anything else for that matter, I say to my child "no no, dear, kisses are for mommy and daddy" or I remove the child from the room and cuddle them for a while. We only see them every couple of months so it's not too bad. If you are only seeing them every so often, this may be the way to go, AFTER A WHILE. We waited about 6 months to do this with our oldest, and we still aren't doing it with our youngest.
You have to change your thinking. You can't be liked by everybody all the time, even family. You are doing what's best for your children. Look at it this way...if your child was gravely ill and somebody had the cure but said "well, I really don't think he needs it. He doesn't look that sick to me." you would plow that person in the face, grab the cure and give it to your child, and not worry about how that person felt about it. This is the same thing. Attachment determines the sort of life your children will have, you are fighting for their lives and the grandparents have the cure (respecting your wishes).
Another thing to think about is that you can't control how other people are going to treat your kids, you have to work on the kids themselves once they get more language. We made a chart with our older son. "these are people you can kiss and sit on laps, and have big hus with. (us) these are people you can hug hello and goodbye (gp's) these are people you can give high fives to (aunts and uncles) these are people you can say hello to (adult family friends) If they weren't on the chart, then the child would look to me for guidance. You may be a few months away from this with your older girl yet, but keep it in mind.
Finally go to:
A4everFamily.org - HOME look on the left side under main menu, click on family matters and there you will find some ways to deal with fmaily and friends. (and lots of other great attachment stuff too!)
your Mar Kuel buddy...