This has been on my mind for quite a while, but it's finally reached a point that I need some opinions, advice, or just plain explanation about it. There are three people, two dominant, in my life who exhibit the same personality type and the same 'behavior' with my DD. The most common thing they share is being control freaks within their own lives. The first is my MIL
, the second is one of my sisters
, and the third is a lady in the office where I used to work (I work from home now).
It feels like all three of these people (and their spouses, who have picked up on the same behavior) beleive that they need to assume care and nurture of my DD every time we are around them. And, their behavior makes it feel like if I turn them down, I look like an unconcerned mother, so it's hard for me to refuse them. However, we are still dealing with trust issues with DD, so I feel like this could trigger some unnecessary emotions from DD. She is old enough now to understand what is going on.
Their first action is to immediately and constantly offer food to my DD. If we are visiting in their homes they offer crackers, juice, water, milk, or just whatever they think DD must be lacking. If we are eating with them at a restaurant, although I've ordered a plate of food for DD, or DH and I are sharing with her from our plates, these individuals begin to offer her food from their plates, literally shoving it off their plate onto hers.
They also tend to beleive that they are in charge of her safety and comfort, even though DH and I are right there beside her, watching her every move, or if they are in our home and DD is going down the stairs or whatever. It's as if she is in danger, and DH and I are not watching her closely enough.
Here are a few examples: About a month ago we're eating out with the in-laws. MIL has already shoved food from her plate onto DD's. She sat there constantly watching DD eat. The in-laws have not spent that much time around her (we had to limit that ourselves). MIL proceeds to offer me an explanation of how my daughter chews her food. A few minutes later, she shoves her napkin in front of DD and instructs her to wipe her face.
My sister is a stroker - she loves to stroke, massage, and pet babies, all babies. This has been very true with DD, and has caused some issues for her and us. I've just tried to keep DD away from her as much as possible. My sister also constantly offers food, every time we are around her. This weekend we went to the local fair, where my sister is a vendor. We always visit her booth area while we are at the fair. Yesterday was particularly hot, and I commented on how hot DD and I got while strolling around looking at the animals. My sister got down on DD's level and began to push her hair back off her face, and continue with her usual stroking, trying to cool DD down. At that point she wasn't that hot, and I had already allowed her to cool down under a shelter. She was also drinking plenty of water. A few minutes later my sister said 'why don't you wet a paper towel and rub her face and neck with it'. This on top of offering food and drink throughout our visit.
Another example, I took DD into the office for a short meeting, which I rarely do. And, another time for a luncheon. During the short meeting, the woman I mentioned was not involved, and didn't even know we were coming in. When she heard that we were there, she walked from the complete opposite side of the office building to the room where we were meeting, just to offer DD a cracker. At the luncheon, she was the ONLY person to approach me and ask 'may I hold her while you fix yourself a plate of food' (in her mind this was being helpful to me).
These are just a few examples, and I realize a few of them are petty, but they come to mind first, and represent the behavior of these people that concerns me. I am sure that if DD was our birth child, and if we weren't still working on trust and control issues with her, I wouldn't care about what any of these people said or did. However, in my gut it just doesn't feel good.
I don't understand why people of this personality type are doing this with my DD, and other children too. I am sure that my feelings of appearing unconcerned about my daughter are probably from my own insecurities. I just don't know exactly how to responsd or refuse these people so that they get the message, while not appearing unconcerned about my child. If anyone can explain this personality type to me, and offer good responses that I can use to indicate that DH and I are aware of our child's need for food, comfort, and safety, and we are taking care of all of her needs, I would really appreciate it!