[zxczxcasdasd]

I am the amom in a stepparent adoption.

Personally, I think the newspaper option should only be a very last resort, only if all other attempts to find the biodad have failed. In other words, I think you should hire a PI (It costs maybe $50-$100) to come up with a current address so he can be notified of the proceedings and participate in the process.

I realize it complicates things.

What if he contests? If he's been out of the boy's life that long, he can contest all he wants, he has already abandoned the boy. The boy has already bonded to the stepdad. The bdad's rights will be terminated and the stepdad will be declared the legal parent. What usually happens (for us and for friends of ours) is at first they are surprised, angry and want to contest. In the end, they either sign willingly, don't show up in court, or both.

What if he wants to talk to the boy? No one will force the boy to talk to him or even give him your contact information without yours and the boy's consent.

What if....whatever? The SW and the judge are charged with determining the best interests of the child. They will be human and probably not perfect, but if the truth is clear, they will see it. If you want it, the boy wants it and your husband wants it and the bdad has not been in your lives, the adoption will succeed.


No matter how much you'd rather not have contact with the bdad again, it's more important later on to have a clear conscience that he was notified and participated in the process than to do it behind his back.

It will be uncomfortable, nervewracking and a little scary, but it will be worth the clear conscience. You do not want the possiblity that the biodad will one day find the son and be able to truthfully say he had no idea of what was happening, or for your boy, when he's older, to think that it was underhanded to do it behind his back if and when he reunites with the biodad.

We didn't have a current address for my son's bmom when we filed. But I felt it was important not to take the newspaper route (which everyone knows will never be seen) just for our own convenience and comfort. Even if he's been absent 7 years (same as is our case) he deserves the chance to have a say in court. He will not be able to override the best interests or wishes of the boy (which I assume is the adoption, having no knowledge of your case, but trusting you know the boy, the biodad and the stepdad and know what is best for your son). But he won't be able to say that you did it behind his back.

Our son's biomom had moved 3,000 miles away and not attempted any contact for 7 years. She protested via phone and letter, but then made another angry phone call saying she never wanted to hear from any of us again and never showed up in court.

Now he's 17 and 2 months ago she emailed him directly, "Hi, it's Mom!" It is now very important that I know that the reason we have her earlier statements on record is because we made the effort and the spent the money to find her and notify her. She cannot say she didn't know and we did it behind her back. She cannot say she never said things that are part of public record. She was notified. She said one thing and then another. She didn't come to the hearing, even though we postponed the hearing a month to give her more time to make arrangements. She has nothing to accuse us of. Our son has no reason to question our intentions or our integrity.

If he wants to have a relationship with her now, he has a right to do so and to have our love and support through it all. He is still biologically related to her and to her other children that she parented. He can choose who he wants in his life and to what extent. But the truth won't be in dispute, because it's all down on paper. We haven't showed him everything because he's young and didn't need to feel that hurt or burden. But I have all the paperwork saved because, just like she had a right to be notified and to respond, he has a right to his own history, even if it's not ideal.

The main anger I hear from adoptees and bparents here is being lied to. You can prevent that by making sure that you have been above reproach, have acted with integrity, and by making sure there is only one truth- and it's all recorded because everyone was in on the process.

So, IMHO, find the biodad. It will be harder now, but prevent confusion and/or anger later on. It will be worth it in the long run.

You have my best wishes. God bless you all of you.