[mom2GRLC]

Char I've experienced a similiar situation like this several times.

First time I had fostered this baby girl from the time she was 4 months-11months. She was our first foster baby and it was likley she would come up for adoption. Her reasons fro coming into care were horrific. Anyways it turned out she was placed with her great grantmother but her mother the abuser was still pretty much her care-taker. I had mixed feelings when she went home, but I tried to be happy that she could remain with her bio-family and her culture(she was black we were white). Her family offered to have us babysit everynow and then or take her for a weekend. I was so excited at first that she would allow me to still be in her life. But 2 weeks after she was placed back with them they came over to visit us and I saw things that were not easy to see....it was too hard for ME to see MY baby being raised by the young teen mom who had abused her so badly. Then she started talking about me maybe watching her everyday while she was at work or maybe keeping her for the weekends(like every weekend). It was then that I had to just say no ...to everything. I couldn't have MY baby in MY home every day or every weekend yet not be her Mom. I also felt like they would be taking advantage of me and my love for their child. I just didn't think it was healthy for the child, me or the family. Plus, I felt if they got her back than they should have to take care of her....and not depend on me.

Another time was an infant we got that we were told was coming up for adoption then 2 months later we get a call right after court that she was going hom and they were on their way to pick her up. I was so upset and hurt and angry and fearful of what her life would be like given the parents history. I barely got a chance to say goodbye to her and my husband didn't even get to find out she left until after the fact. We asked if we could meet with them in a couple weeks to give them some pictures that we needed to develope and for my husband to get a chance to say goodbye to her. they agrees, but when we went to see her I felt even worse about the situation. I had hoped seeing her with her family would help me realize God has a purpose and plan and that this wa her plan but it didn't it only made me more upset and angry and made me mourn her loss so much more. I knew I could never see her again....unless she came back into fostercare and I could be her mother again. I've kept track of her these last couple years asking the social worker how she is doing and I keep hearing horrible things and how there is no doubt she will be back in fostercare at some point in time. It's just awful to think of the life she is having and how we could have provided so much better for her.

Another case is with a little girl we had for a few months when she was 9-12 months. The case was not looking so good and the only one who could get custody of her was her grandmother but her grandmother wasn't sure what she was going to do. She saw how strongly her grandbaby was bonded to us and she was already raising her other grandson and didn't want to raise another grand baby. Well, it turned out she did take custody of her. Then just a few months ago my daughter happened to be on the same team as this grandma and her grandson were on. We'd see each other and talk 3 times a week for several weeks. She no longer had the baby girl we had fostered. She had her for about a year and then her birthmom got her act together and was able to get her back. So her mother abnd our sweet little girl would come to the games and some of the practices as well. I can not tell you how hard it was for me to see MY little girl. She was 2 years older than when I had last seen her but she looked the same. I was happy her mother was able to get her back but it was so hard to watch her and think "what might have been". To think "this sweet little girl should have been my daughter,a sister to my children" It was obvious she was being taken care of so I was happy about that. But it was just toooooo difficult to see MY baby growing up and living a completely different life than what she would have lived with us. It hurt to much. They offered to get together and stuff but I never followed through I just didn't see how I could remain in her life without feeling those feelings of that being MY daughter.

There have been other experineces similiar that I have had...but I won't bore you with anymore. I just shared so you can see that it IS very difficult to remain a part of a childs life that you once parented and still long to parent but can't.

I personally don't see how the pain would ever go away. Because yes, while I was happy she was with her mom and bio-family.....the pain will always still be there of "that's MY baby."

I can only imagine just a small portion of what a birthmother in an open adoption must go through and really I don't see how her or her family could ever make it through an open adoption. It must be so incredibly painful.

Then again as anopther poster kinda pointed out. It's like they are given rights to feel that love for that child forever. They are validated in their feelings. Yet for us foster or adopt moms, it's like since we don't have any bio-connection to the children we are just supposed to let them go and never think about them anymore. I don't believe that. I believe that EVERY child that came into my home even for a day.....IS my child and will always be MY child. That doesn't mean that they don't have another mother out there. But that child will remain in my heart and in my family forever wether they remember or not.

I know in my heart that when we are all in heaven we will be re-united and I will give them a big hug and they will KNOW just how much I truly loved them and how much I had always carried them around in my heart and as members of our family.