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Char- I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel. We have a very similar situation. I was reading your post last night and thought wow sounds like us.
Our story goes like this. We had a family member come to us at 10 weeks pregnant and ask if we would be interested in adopting her baby. This was her number 5. The last three are 3 kids under 2 1/2. After thinking about it for a while(we weren't planning on adopting at that time) we said yes. We had no reason to believe she would change her mind. She was very clear on her plan. The day "L" was born she changed her mind. We totally understood her decision. The way everything went down was horrible. I too had cried a lot durning that time. We have three children who also had to go thru the grieving process. A long story there. Five months after L was born she came back to us. She had changed her mind about parenting and would we take L. This time we said no. Most of our friends don't even know about that. We just felt at that time her other children had bonded with L. I just thought it would be too hard on the children. They saw her as their sister(the way it should be).THere were someother reasons as well. We ended up having L for visits. Sometimes for a week at a time. I have to tell you it was really hard sometimes. The last time we had L Hubby said do you ever think L could have been our child? I try not to think about that. They have now moved out of state. We don't get to see them anymore.
I have to be honest,I wouldn't take L for visits if it wasn't for the fact we are family. I don't want L to ever know Mom was going to place. JMO. I want the very best life for L even if it isn't with us. KWIM? L is now three so we have been dealing with this for a while. I have photos of L in our house and it doesn't hurt as much anymore.
I think you have to find what works best for you. What makes you hurt less. I hope some day you find peace.
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