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Being the babysitter
Since my post was already so long, I didn't get into this, but it did occur to me that she reached out (at least in part) because she knew that she would need a break sometimes. Her original reason for placing was that she already had a 1-1/2 and 2-1/2 year old, and didn't think she could raise a new baby at the same time. So I imagine she views this as a win-win situation (I get to see the baby, she gets to parent the baby and have a break sometimes).
My initial thought was- that's fine! I don't want the baby to suffer from the inattention or frustration of a mom who's at her wit's end. And I miss her immensely. If I can get to see her sometimes AND offer some relief to T, maybe we CAN all win. I guess, although I imagined it would be hard to leave her at the end of a visit, I never imagined how hard the actual visit itself would be. As I read posts by birthmoms 1, 5, 20 even 40 years after relinquishment, and I hear the lingering pain in their posts, I wonder if I am up for a lifetime of reopening wounds. I am all for open adoption, because it gives the child the opportunity to know where she's come from and where she may go (health, looks, personality-wise, etc.). To me, that is worth the pain. I'm not sure this is, especially if it never lessens. Of course, it's not like I was anywhere near pain-free before I had the chance to see her, either. I don't know that I'm up for a lifetime of never seeing her again, either. So instead of win-win, I feel caught in more of a lose-lose situation.
I also feel an urgency to my decision. I don't want to create a situation where T cuts me off from contact because I seem flaky or unresponsive. My therapist urges me to take my time and decide for myself what type of relationship I want to have. That's what I'm trying to do. . . but I just don't know what it is!
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Char
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