Open adoption in reverse?
I'm not sure what I should do. One month ago, yesterday, I returned the beautiful infant I hoped to adopt after her birthmom/mom revoked her consent. (Note: please don't flame me for the reference. I considered T to be the birthmom once she signed the relinquishment papers-- for several days, right or wrong, I was mom as far as I am concerned.) I have grieved in a way I never thought possible. After 2 false starts, I have finally found a therapist I feel comfortable with, and have even had a few days (not back-to-back) when I didn't cry at all! Through it all, all I could think was that I would give anything to hold my little girl again and tell her how much I love her.
A week ago, T called. She asked how I was doing, let me know the baby was doing fine, and asked if I wanted to be her godmother. She talked about me possibly keeping her some weekends, and/or for a couple of weeks during the summer. She invited me to her baby shower, which was held on the baby's 1 month birthday.
I was over the moon with excitement. I had imagined going through my entire life without ever seeing her again, and T was offering me much, much more than I could have wished for. I went to the shower, loaded down with gifts from myself and various family members. Most of T's family were gracious and friendly. The baby looked beautiful and healthy. The visit was so incredibly hard that I don't know what to do.
I thought I might have a hard time, but I never imagined how difficult it would be to see the baby as someone else's daughter (even if the other person is her mom). I felt like I was watching life through a split screen-- there was the little girl I love and dream about, and there was a little girl who looked just like her, but was somebody else with a completely different life and a completely different future. There were a lot of little girls at the shower-- cousins, etc., so I felt like I was able to see who she would be as she aged. They were all sweet, funny, loving kids. They just weren't the same kids they would be if they were raised in my family. The evening involved shock after shock to my system. . . the first being that T had changed the baby's name. When I spoke with her on the phone earlier, she used the name I gave her, so I had no idea she had changed it. T kept saying "my baby" over and over (as in " why is my baby's swing moving so fast" or "bring me my baby's pacifier) and even though I know, I know, I KNOW she IS her baby, it felt like a punch in the gut every time. The harshest sting was when T's grandmother said a prayer for the "transactions that occured to bring [the baby] home to her family, where she belongs." It was all I could do not to break down crying.
T called me on Thursday and asked if I wanted to take the baby this weekend, while she went out of town for a shopping trip. I was heading out of town myself, and couldn't do it. But the truth is, I don't know when I'll be ready to see her again. I don't know what benefit, if any there is to the baby to continue an open relationship with me. If I continue, it would only be for me (as far as I can tell), and I'm wondering if maybe it's not the healthy choice I thought it would be.
Any advice?
Char
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