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Originally Posted By adoptee

Why is it that adoptees are supposed to be so darn grateful??? No one seems to give a darn that no matter how much our adoptive parents love us, we STILL feel abandoned by our birthfamily. No one seems to care that I, even as an adult, grieve the loss of my birthmother. Even after meeting her, I can't make up for lost time.

And yet, when I talk about the issues I have in my life because of adoption, all I get from people is stuff like "you should be thankful your mother chose life" or "you should be grateful to your adoptive parents for giving you a home." Why? I didn't ask to be conceived, nor frankly, did I ask to be born or given up. The decision to give birth was my mother's alone. I am well aware that had she chosen differently, I wouldn't be here. But after seeing the pain that adoption caused her and me, I wouldn't blame her at all for thinking maybe abortion would have been an easier choice. I didn't ask to be adopted either, and I am really sick and tired of people thinking that adoptive parents are some sort of savior for taking in the abandoned children of "loose" women. My adoptive parents are decent people, but they are not saviors. They adopted out of selfishness: they wanted to raise a baby. Pure and simple. I imagine that's why most of you adoptive parents here are adopting -- you want to raise a baby. Is that a bad thing? I don't necessarily think so, but I do believe that adoption is system that separates mothers from their babies and leaves many adoptees with lifelong issues of abandonment, trust and commitment. (note I said 'many' not all)

I can honestly say that while I love my adoptive parents, I would have been better off emotionally had I been raised by my birthmother. As for the abortion issue, I did get pregnant as a teenager, and I chose to have an abortion because I didn't want to put anyone else through the grief and issues I had as an adoptee. Almost ten years later, I am absolutely certain I made the right choice, and I do not regret it for a second.

So, Laurie and Heather, I do understand what you are saying here because it's exactly the same thing my birthmother says. No, Nellie, I don't hate her for feeling that way. Adoption has caused us both a lifetime of grief, sorrow and regret and I would never, ever tell a woman to chose adoption over abortion.