[SHAMROX]

I'm sorry if this isn't the correct board to post on (I posted on the foster parent support board but have only gotten one response so far)...I really need the adivce of those who have been where I am.

Right now I have a 2 and 1/2 yr old foster son. I've had him for just over a year, with the intent to adopt. It now looks as though his mom is going to relinquish - but for about the past 6 months or so I've been really wondering if this is right. I just figured it out today - I've been fooling myself all this time. I get so irritated with him, and he's a typical 2 yr old but much more intense. He has certain behaviors that really get to me, and I know that a lot of my problem is how I deal with them, but I am just not sure I'm bonded to him. Nobody ever warned me I might not be bonded to him; I just thought it if happend it'd be the other way around. My love for him just doesn't feel complete - I had a foster daughter before him that I wanted to adopt - I got her at one day old and gave her back at 15 months, and I needed a break here and there but I YEARNED for her. I don't feel that way about him, but at the same time I think of him living with another family and I cry because I think of him as my little boy. I used to think that I resented him because he was a boy - because he wasn't emotional and calm like a little girl might be...but I don't think that's what it is.

How do I figure out if I'm not bonded with him and why he gets under my skin? My very close friends who are more like my parents told me tonight that they've never really felt bonded to him either. I know it's not fair to him to adopt him just out of guilt - it's not fair to him or me. I want him to be happy, but of course I also don't want to see him on the street in ten years and think 'what a good kid - looked what I missed out on".

I just don't know what to do...the adoption social worker wants me to fill out an open adoption form but I need to fill her in on how I feel first. I want to get a whole week of respite so I can have some time w/o him to see how I'd feel if he was not with me - but I know they have no one availble for that.

I just need help.

Thank you.