[tjsjohanna]

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?

Our 2 youngest came out of foster care at 3 1/2 & 4 1/2. Their therapist and foster mom were both pretty straight with them on this point. They know the judge in their case terminated parental rights because their parents couldn't be good parents. We've talked about some of those things - like not working, not having a place to live, using drugs & alcohol. As they get older I imagine we'll talk with them about the mental illness their parents had, etc. My philosophy is be honest, be age appropriate, and talk about the positives, too - like their birth parents still love them and want the best things for them.

2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?

When we were sealed last year, we talked about how they would belong to our family forever - they weren't going to be living with anyone else from now on, until they were grown ups and got married themselves. At this age I don't think they understand too well what role their birth parents play in their lives. There isn't any contact on their side, so it is in the background, other than me bringing it up occasionally. I agree with another writer, though, that there will always be a connection, because those are the parents that brought them into the world and gave them their bodies.

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?

We have tried to gather as much information as we could on their birth parents (not too much, unfortunately). In this day & age when kids have parents & step parents & half siblings & and step grandparents, I think having a bio family isn't all that odd. I plan to encourage my kids to pursue relationships with their bio family if they are so inclined. But if those relationships are detrimental, I don't think they should have to pursue them or feel guilty about not pursuing them.

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?

I've always been LDS so I don't know what my perspective on families would have been, but I think the gospel of Jesus Christ explains just how important and families are - and gives lots of instruction on how to have happy and effective families. In terms of adoption, there's a whole doctrinal aspect to adoption - being adopted into the House of Israel, etc. I think it makes it easier to see ourselves as family, even if we came into being in non-traditional ways (ie adoption). I can't say that I feel my adopted children are less my children than my adopted child. I have connected to each one of them in unique ways, but the connection is there.

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?

I think destiny is the wrong word. I think we make choices based on our desires and hopefully with inspiration. I do think, however, that the Lord does have a hand in who winds up in which families. We contemplated adoption for a long time, began the process, and then were unemployed and had to put our progress on hold. I have to wonder if that timing was intentional, so that when we began the process again, our children would be waiting to be adopted. As the scriptures say, God's ways are not our ways. I think it is simplistic to say things were "meant to be", but I do think the hand of God is in more things than we realize.

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?

In our preparations, I was all for having birth families and foster families continue to be a part of our childrens' lives (with some restrictions). However, those people have chosen not to stay in contact. We continue to send letters and pictures (about twice a year), but only their maternal grandparents (who have no contact with their birth mom) have maintained any contact at all. Ultimately, all those people are less important than the immediate family that you form. If birth families can have a positive role in your family and with your children, then pursue the relationships. If not, I think you should give your kids the ability to see those relationships in very practical terms. It is sad for birth families if they aren't good at relationships, but it doesn't have to be overwhelmingly sad for your children. They know Heavenly Father loves them, and He has given them people who do love them and know how to care for them. That's my take on things, anyway.