I felt exactly the same way you did when we initially started looking into adoption. I was terrified of another "mommy" in the picture. But I remember at one adoption conference seeing a presentation about open adoption and a family who had a lot of contact with the birthmothers of their children. I was amazed. I did a lot of research on the benefits and negatives of open adoption and talked to a lot of birthmoms and adoptive parents on this wonderful board).
We were blessed to have our daughter's birthmom come into our lives and stay a part of our lives. She is a truly amazing woman and I consider her a dear friend. It was hard in the beginning and I was always terrified that our daughter would love her more and call her mommy but then I realized that talks more about the quality of my realationship with my daughter. We have an extremly open adoption bascially visits whenever sometimes 2x a week up to every couple of months. My daughter calls her birthmom "Mim" (I personally did not feel comfortable with calling her by her first name and that was our decision to honour her with a special title). We chat every so often and email a lot. I found the more contact we have the less frightened and paranoid (boy am I a paranoid person at times let me tell you!) I was. We chat about the future and scenarios and both of our fears in regards to our daughter.
I know we have a very unique relationship and I am very proud of it. Our daughter will never be "surprized" by her adoption or be tormented by wonderings of "what are my birthparents like?". She'll always know, it will always be a part of her life and just a natural part of life (whatever that means). I've read about how emotional and difficult reunions can be later in life and I don't want my daughter to go through that. I want her questions and worries delt with in the moment not built up over time. I just keep reminding myself its what is best for our daughter not me. Again I'm not promoting that everyone should do as I do but this is just an example of how it can work. But every realtionship is different and I strongly recommend research, explore this board, adoptee and birthmother boards and whatever you decide is best for your family please be honest and stick with your agreement. Its a promise you are making to your child as well. Good luck!!!
