[crick]

I can see why the state has said no contact. It's probably not due to the bmom's safety etc., but due to the bdad. If bmom inadvertantly were to give him information etc., then the safety of K could be compromised.

After the adoption is final though, you are her legal parent and can decide who is involved in her life. The state no longer has a say so over that aspect. So for now, do everything you can to follow their rules to avoid losing K and respect that they have to be this strict.

As far as the contact after finalization, talk to your dh to see if there's a middle ground. Would he be okay with sending updates/pics? Maybe a neutral meeting place? I agree that you will need to reach an agreement between the two of you.