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I know I've answered on the 'disruption board' about your questions; but I felt the need to answer here too.
I think....there have to be some successes in older child adoptions. But, I also think those 'successes' have come through the hard work and determination of the adoptive parents working with a child that wants to change, to be better, to trust, to love, etc.
And.....those 'successes' come to the family---very often---in tiny steps. Literally, all of the families that we have known, and continue to know who have adopted older children (even toddlers) have said that their experiences were nothing as they expected. Meaning, it was not all they had hoped for.
But....the 'successes' they have found....they have looked for, although minimal to others, have been good for them. WLD (above poster) gives a good account in stating the small but significant ways their child has adapted. These steps are important; but they did not come about without the work that WLD put into it, or the work the child decided to do.
The saddest part I have seen in older child adoptions, is when couples feel that adopting older, means that they can have a 'normal' family. Most of the time, this isn't so. That isn't to say that you might---eventually---have a normal kid; but like WLD, it has taken time for this child to do better. And, it's also not to say that once a child seems to do really well, they won't backslide on some issues you'd never thought possible.
But, does that happen with birth children or infant adoptions? Sure. It's just that the infant adoptions give the couple a chance to bond to a core, 'innocent' child...and that memory of 'what that child was' can literally carry you a long way when your older child becomes something you'd never have thought possible. (Hope that makes sense.)
But.....those little steps. Those little but significant improvements........are oftentimes worth every moment of work---so I'm told. And, I believe it. You just have to know that your risks of having problems are greater with older children. You're opening yourself up to more problems, more possibilities.
It just takes more work. Lots of work; but if you feel you are up to the challenges, and you feel your'e being led to do so, it's the route to go.
Sincerely,
Linny
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