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Hi arkansas parent,
I can certainly understand your fears. We also went through years of infertility, three failed pregnancies, adopted a child at birth and, as is often the case, were unaware of which/what/when drugs were taken prenatally. Further, my son is now four and the adoption is STILL being contested. We have been on an emotional roller-coaster-nightmare for years.
My son does exhibit some symptoms of possible drug and alcohol abuse by the bmother during pregnancy - but we work very hard with him and he is a special, precious, sweet child.
These are chances you take when you adopt - rather, try to adopt - an infant. There are many sad stories on the forum I am usually on ("Failed and Contested Adoptions" under "Before Adoption"). I came to the disupted adoption board because where do you fit when you have a final adoption but a motion for reversal?
You may want to take into consideration a placement agency that specializes in "low-risk" adoptions - those where a TPR has already been done. Also, many times there is simply no way to know of possible drug or alcohol abuse by the pbmother.
I agree with Linny that you need to know what you are getting into and gain as much information as possible. Having counseled RAD children, and now teaching on the subject, attachment issues are most readily created between the ages of 0 and 3. That is not to say that older children can not develop attachment disorders, only that most, and the most serious attachment disorders, develop from birth to three years of age.
While children who were exposed prenatally to drugs or alcohol can have special issues - and some which will not show for a while (up to 6 or 7 years old) - they can be worked with in a loving and stable environment for minimum impact. Children with attachment disorders are VERY different. A toddler can most certainly have an attachment disorder.
That being said, I know the pain of infertility and the deep pain of wanting a child. I also know what it feels like to have that child constantly threatened to be taken away. You have to decide what is right for you and your family - and I'm glad you are looking into all possibilities.
While many infant adoptions go smoothly, you always take a chance that the adoption will fail, or you could spend every penny you can make, borrow, and beg to keep your child. In the end, everything runs a risk. If I could go back and do it over again I would definitely adopt an infant (again) but under different circumstances. Of course, everything in life contains a risk and you have to decide for yourself what is right for you and your family.
I am praying for you that you will be able to adopt the child that is meant to be yours, and that the process is a gentle one.
Blessings,
Christie
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