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The infants that we adopted were not from the foster care system. However, rest assured that while ANY baby can have problems as they grow, the difference is that many of the problems a drug exposed infant may have, are those that can be overcome or at the very least, lessened....by parents who are prepared ahead of time.
Therein lies the difference, you see. If you know that your baby has been exposed to a certain drug/s.....then there are specific therapies and helps that can be applied to ward off more problems. This isn't to say that the child might forever have some impulse problems, some LD (learning disabilities).....but IMO, these PALE in comparison to reactive attachment disorder!!! And, I daresay that most of the children in the system, suffer from some level of attachment disorder.
FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome......or any fetal alcohol effects) can be tough to deal with too; but RAD is a different animal altogether.
IMO, the state sytems are nothing to be trusted for the most part. We did just as you plan: Telling them that we didn't want any children who could be a threat to our other kids (who were older than the kids we brought home), and we didn't want children who had had problems handling animals (we live on a farm and we're big animal lovers).
None of this mattered one bit.
The problem is that the baby or young child---who is taken from the bio family early on...is too often allowed to go back to the bios (as the poster after my post spoke of). You cannot put a baby or young child in one home for awhile, and then another home---over and over again, without there being some confusion, to say the least. Add on top of this, parents who are into doing their own thing.......either through drugs, abuse, neglect. Any or all of these.
Add in the fact that the child learns not to trust, to love, to be cared for...and you have the foundation of RAD, attachment disorders, and other issues that are often too late to battle when the child FINALLY becomes adoptable!
Early intervention is the key.....and this is why someone might adopt an infant with a ton of drug exposure issues---yet, the child grows up with little to no effects. The parents were aware, the early intervention in the form of therapies, attachment parenting and such were put in place...and the child is able to 'become normal'. (Believe me, I've seen this more than once.)
I'm biased, I know. Our older child adoptions have been nothing short of nightmares. When we refused to bring the sexually offending son into our home, the system threatened to charge us with abandonment and/or nelgect for doing so. They thought we should just live with alarms and buzzers throughout the home to assure he wouldn't perp on the children in our home. There was no way. And, in the end, the system realized what they were dealing with; and our family would split if need be---just to keep the other children safe. They allowed us to sign him back over...and we were not charged with anything.
As for the son that's still adopted and aging out in residential----The system thought we were horrible when we took the situation in our own hands by gathering info from all of the psychiatrists/psychologists and mental hospitals to prove how narssistic and un-empathetic he really was. We were able to get a state grant to pay for his residential housing, because he is so mentally ill. It took incredibe intestinal fortitude to do this....and listening to a lot of uneducated system people tell us that 'no son of ours would grow up in residential'!
But...when we would ask these same people, "Okay...what would YOU do if your child was trying to kill your younger children?"
They NEVER would reply to this, because the answer is obvious...and I daresay, any other good parent would do the same.
We honestly have come full circle in our beliefs with older child adoptions. We used to be the 'poster family' for this; but have learned our lessons hard and well.
As much as we argued this for months and months...saying that 'someone needed to have a home for these kids!' We now realize that some children are just too damaged to live in a traditional home. Sad fact, but true.
The truly sad part, is that the system continues to do little to nothing about it. These kinds of children continue to populate the foster care system; and try as they might, foster and adoptive parents can do little about it.
But....when it comes to people wanting to adopt older children...the system will cover up a lot of issues. They will present some of these kids in such a way it really borders 'fraudulence'. Their hope is that good parents will eventually bring the child into some sort of 'normal existence'. The fact is, not only is a family opening themselves up to hurt, but also the threat of hurt to their other children.
As long as a family knows this---going in-----they can probably handle it. As for our family, we thought we were 'done' with infants....we were older. We thought we should open our home and hearts to older children who were often overlooked; and justified (just like you) that even infants could have problems as they grew up.
Older child adoption often requires the family to take on a different role than being the parent. You're very often the counselor, police, guard. I used to tell the older kids, "I just wish I could be your mom sometimes, and not always your counselor!" They didn't want a mom. They didn't want a family.
They had no idea what they wanted; because they'd never had it before...and the times of knowing what this was like in their young lives...was over.
I have had other posters who have said, "But this isn't the case with our child!" And, I know there have to be some success stories out there...surely there are. But, I've also seen my share of people spout off about their success story...when they've only had their child for a couple of years or less. Hardly enough time to judge those of us who have done it for years.
And, I'll also say that our story is not unusual. We know many parents who have been in the same boat as we, and some of their stories are worse.
But, when you say that you are wanting to adopt an older child...because you'll be aware of the problems more so than with an infant------not usually. Many of these kids are cunning and do very well to cover up their insecurities and problems. Many are incredibly manipulative. But, as the one poster has said, the problem wasn't apparent until over one year had passed. This is not unusual, believe me.
Most Sincerely,
Linny
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