[Linny]

We have adopted infants and older children. Four have been infants, three were older child. The older children arrived at these ages:
Six years...almost seven; six years and just turned three.
The most violent was the first one who was almost seven. Had the state been honest and disclosed all that they were supposed to have, we would have known that he was far over our heads...and truly needed to be placed in a home with NO other children.
This child lived in our home for almost four years, and tried to hurt/kill other children. He will be aging out in residential soon, and his behaviors are no more empathetic than they were 11yrs ago. Still, at 18, he can literally sign himself out and walk the streets, until the law becomes involved.
The biggest shock to us, was the one that was six when he came. He had had a very traumatic past as a very, very young child. But, he had had intensive treatment (counseling) previous to being even known to us. (Two years). He continued w/ counseling throughout the seven years he was ours....but never for anything sexual.
As if he literally snapped, he decided to become the abuser and was arrested for sexual abuse/assault. He too is in residential, and we were able to sign him back over to the state---because even THEY realized how dangerous he was to have in a home with younger children. Even though this was incredibly sad.....I thank God that we were able to dissolve his adoption, as we have little faith that he is remorseful or cares to change.
The 'just turned three year old'.....continues to have attachment problems, that are better handled living with relatives. This is something we would never have planned, but for the safety of all, it is the best solution. He will soon become legally adopted by them, at our request.....and the 'okay' from him.

We would never, ever adopt older children again. Not even toddlers.

Lucy is absolutely correct in the need to do your homework and realize that the state has a way of 'making light' of serious situations, scenarios that the child has been involved with. There is a lot more to adopting an older child that the classes the state offers. Education is the key, and realizing that parenting these children is NOT the same as parenting 'normal' kids. I'm sure there are exceptions, but for those of us who have BTDT......life with these kids is anything BUT normal.

As for the son in residential (that is aging out)......he is still legally ours; though he has little to no attachment to us----this regardless of the intensive attachment therapy and counseling we had with him. Many RAD (reactive attachment disorder) kids NEVER heal. In fact, I'd go so far as to state--IMO--- that most do not heal...if they are older than toddlers.

Please make sure that you are aware of each and every child you are interested in. Visit a support group of parents who have adopted older children; work within a residential home or a school for behavioral disordered kids, talk at length with parents who have done this to understand and realize the full scope of what it is, what it takes. It is tough parenting, to say the least, and not for the faint of heart.

My best to you....

Sincerely,

Linny