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I just read this and my first thought was "how sad" for your little girl. We are in the process of my dh adopting our dd. If she wanted to keep the name she was born with that would be up to her. Part of why we are doing this is for her to have my dh's last name, at her request. She has asked for this since she was 5 years old and first noticed it when she went to school. HOWEVER, and I mean this, if for any reason she did not want this to happen we would not change her name. My dd is 10 years old, she is old enough that she will remember this as an adult, resentment during an adoption does not sound like a memory a child should have. I also feel that where possible, especially for girls, it is important that they do not feel cut off or rejected from their bio fathers anymore then they already do. I know many bio fathers have already done this, perhaps loosing the name is just a bigger peice of them being taken from their fathers? Obviously I do not know your individual situation but sounds like, from a very limited observation, she needs counseling.
I can't imagine at 11 if your dd feels this strongly that forcing her will help your relationship or family. Could she be hurting, or feeling rejected by her bio father? Could part of her greiving be that she is now angry and feeling controlled and as a normal almost teenager she is pushing back? I would consider counceling not only for her but for you as well to come to terms with why she feels the way that she does.
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