[StorkWatcher]

Amber,
Feel free to PM me any time to talk about this. Here's my short story version:

We were married about 10 years before we were able to finally pursue adoption. All our friends/family who have adoption experiences are in closed scenarios. In the beginning, we had many fears and confusion about open.

After we visited w/ several agencies and did a little research, we realized how important it is and how great an open adoption can be FOR THE CHILD as well as all parents involved. It can allow for some better adjustment. We ended up desiring a semi-open arrangement, but we were willing to consider an open arrangement, based on certain circumstances and if we felt it would be a good thing after meeting the expectant parent(s).

In our state, once the birthmom signed her papers, her decision to place was final, and we were his parents forever. Same thing if a bfather signs papers. Legal risk would be incurred if you have to wait for right to be terminated involuntarily (as we did for bdad), but the waiting period for us was only 30 days. We knew then that the baby couldn't be taken away from us.

What we actually have now is a semi-open arrangement, based on the birthmom's choice. She chose us to be our son's parents, and requested semi-open. And I wish it were more open, which is ironic! But it's working for now.

We know each other's first names. We know we live in the same state (our agency doesn't work outside the state w/ bmoms). We know just a very little bit about he. We have one picture of her. We were hoping to meet with her at the hospital when we got our son, but she ended up not feeling up to it and said maybe she would at a later time. I REALLY hope we get to meet her some day!

We don't have anything in writing about our arrangement, so I just am guided by what I would want, if I were a birthom, and I hope it is enough for her. I sent photos and letters to the agency on a monthly basis. Recently, we had a big scare when Baby A had an allergic reaction. I called the agency, they were able to get in touch with his birthmom and ask about family allergy history. I felt SO reassured that I could get in touch with her for emergency medical information!

In the future, if he has questions, we hope she'll be able to talk to him. If we have another medical emergency, we hope she can always be in contact. We know she likes to receive updates on how he is doing, and that it helps her TREMENDOUSLY to know he is very happy, and we are very happy, and he is doing really well in this family she chose for him.

We now have other adoptive family friends who have a variety of situations. I find myself envious of one friend in particular - they have a very open relationship with their daughter's birthparents. They email each other, meet a couple of times a year so she can have contact with her birthgrandma, birthmom and birthdad and brother. So far, everyone seems to feel better about things, knowing they can always ask a question rather than sit around and wonder about the other side.......

Talking with our caseworker really opened our eyes about the benefits of having an open relationship for ALL involved. In fact, I think it may help many birthparents stand firm in their decision to place, knowing they'll have contact in the future.

That being said, you can always start out with what you're comfortable with. If things work well and you really click w/ the birthfamily, you can always move to more opennes if they desire it too.

Just don't commit to more than you are willing to do! It is extremely important to uphold your end of the arrangement - for what it means to your child and also what it will mean to his or her birthparent(s).