[shef]

I have tried, and am trying to face these diffiuclt challenges to my beleifs, and my very core being.....but am struggling with this issue of when it doesnt work out.

I have read and am part of a great thread and am listening an dlearning as much as possible of how it is/was for bmtothers in the closed era. I have learnt much and value the insight i have gained and the people on it..... It has allowed me to make a choice to be more compassionate toward my bmtother in my thinking. But as most are in reunion i find it hard to be able to be free to talk about the fact and reality of how i feel about the reunion not working out and never will now, and when there seems no real interest of connection from the bfamily....and again I am left....I feel my bmtoehr was great to meet me, but i also feel real anger that she left me waiting again, in the hope she would change her mind and see me or write to me....I was now an adult.....but it didnt happen.

But for me..I now have an understanding and compssion of how she came to give me up etc...and the beginnings of my birth, but what i find hard to deal with is that I searched and found her...and after quite a while she agreed to meet with me...which was a very big thing for her to do....and I do have that, and I am thankful to her for giving me that one meeting...but after that, it really didnt go anywhere. She did not keep the contact up, she didnt answer my letters, and I kept waiting and hoping she would change her mind...but she didnt....and she died without us ever being reconciled......she even said she did not want me at the funeral....last year.

I wondered if there are others who have found that reunion is not everthing they had hoped, and has not deveoped and you are also left....and what feelings have been left in your because of that and how you are dealing with it.

I dont want to dwell in the negative...i just feel quite alone with all of this especailly as I have opportunity to talk to other bmothers who help me and they are in some sort of reunion, but for me that at times is so overwhelmingly sad......and i feel my own loss and i need to go somewhere i can talk about the other side of it without offending or hurting anyone.

Im not sure if I am explaining myself very well, but would appreciate any help in this area from anyone.....i have such mixed ambvialent feelings.

shefalie