I haven't posted here in awhile, but I'm desperate for some kind of answers so I thought I'd post my most recent tragedy and see if any of you could tell me what might be going on since I have no idea why my reunion just seemed to literally fall apart in less than a month after almost 3 years.
I'm an adoptee (36 yrs old) and I just had my birthday at the end of June. I'm one that has never really liked my b-day and it's a day filled with melanchly for me usually. I have never liked it but I manage through it every year. I have been in reunion with my b-mom for almost 3 yrs (3 yrs in November if it's not already over), and unlike me, she is not one that seems to like/want to confront issues whereas I am. My view is, "the only way out is through ..." and I'm willing to confront issues/pain to get there. Hers seems to be, "Forget/deny anything painful, pretend it's okay, and don't talk about or act in a way that might make anything meaningful or so a relationship might actually grow and get better". This is my perception from experience mind you. Actually, she told did tell me directly once when I mentioned something was really difficult emotionally for me to do, "Well then ... DON'T!!!" so read what you will from that one.
Anyway ... my b-mom doesn't like to drive, especially alone and especially on highways, but last November, when my aparent's disowned me because I finally told them about her, my b-mom started driving the 30 or so mins to my house ... ON the highway and ALONE. I was in heaven. She had come over about 4-6 times in that period. I have 3 young, small children so she also has grandchildren ... 2 yr old twin daughters and a 3 1/2 yr old son. She really seemed to love them .... all of us actually. She even came to my twins and son's b-day parties last year although for those she brought my 26 yr old half sister with her for support (even though she wasn't officially invited). My b-mom doesn't feel comfortable around my husband's family because they are very different from her, i.e. educated, middle-class, etc ... all the things she isn't but I never cared about ANY of that. I just LOVED her .. period. These were always big issues for her however, not me.
For 2 yrs in reunion, I have sacrificed my feelings for hers. I have conflicting, less than positive feelings like most adoptees in reunion and I also have my adoption-related issues. I have never denied that and I am working on my issues (thru counseling when needed) and I have always tried taking responsibility for myself. I know my bmom has had a really hard life and I empathize with that ... I would've given anything for her just to be happy, so I was trying to be there for her, help her, be supportive, because her family now is quite dysfuncational and I know she's never really had any of these things from other people. But she's very good at the martry role, so it has been quite the long road at times. It has often felt "all about her" and over the 2 yrs I sacrificed my feelings inside so that I didn't hurt her or help make her feel worse or more guilty than she already does, when this has happened, it has definitely triggered a silent response in me ... namely, "What about ME?!?!?! What about MY feelings?!?!?"
I played the "good adoptee daughter" for 2 years but it never got me anywhere it seemed except emotionally trampled on more and I already silently felt crappy enough. My adoptive experience was far from perfect (not even great) so yes ... I admit there was a void there to be filled and because we are in many ways a lot alike, I yearned for my bmom to fill it in some ways. I know she couldn't for the most part (that was up to me), but from hearing other bmom's talk, I thought the least she could give me was her time, effort and letting me know she truly cared about me and actually wanted me. I didn't want to "change her" (although I'm sure she THOUGHT I did) ... I only wanted what I saw as already there in her because she acts really hard all the time, but has told me several times inside she's really soft. And I've seen it from her so I know it's there to some degree and needed to feel it from her ... just for awhile until I could "grow up" with her emotionally ... I regressed like many adoptees and I just needed her support and attention for awhile until I could feel more adult-like.
Our reunion was really good at times and just kind of there at others. She has never really yelled at me or lashed out at me in anyway before and she often seems defensive and always on guard. With me though, it was different in many ways from her interactions with other people because she said she felt "really close" to me and I know she doesn't get close to anyone. Her idea of that however seems to be really different than mine.
I'm getting to the really bad part ... just needed to give a little history first ... bear with me ...
So in April, for the first time ever really, I started "acting out" a little. I gave up the "good role" and started being more real with her so I didn't always hide everything like I used to. I was never mean, abusive, or attacking (at least I didn't feel I ever did that ... our opinions often very greatly), and when I was being good for 2 years, I did the things I did out of genuine love and concern for her. The thing is that was my good, loving and accepting side. A part of me too I admit was trying to be accommodating so she wouldn't reject me again ... the forever people-pleaser.
On and off for about 3 months I was "different" in little ways here and there with her. Not always, but occasionally. They felt trivial for me, but maybe huge for her ... I don't know. Mother's Day I took her to her 1st MLB game and I just treated her normally like I would anyone else. A part of me was sick of being so nice to her all the time with little to nothing in return so I stopped treating her "special" anymore which I did for 2 years. I found out a few weeks later in a phone conversation that she thought my house was "so cold" but after much questioning, I found out it was actually ME she thought was being cold ... I was acting different. Yes ... I stopped rolling out the red carpet for her because I was sick of doing all the work and making most of the effort. It was very unbalanced and I felt taken for granted so I began pulling back emotionally to balance it out more. Evidently she noticed but never questioned me at the time about it.
In early June, I met her at her work place after her shift, and ended up crying in front of her for the 1st time. We talked for 2 hours and many of the feelings I'd kept in for two years (many of them very positive although pretty emotional for a bmom to hear I'm sure) finally came flooding out. She seemed very emotional too (1st time it's ever happened quite like this) and it was wonderful. She was draped all over me, hugging me, leaning into me during conversation, etc. It was like she was a completely different person, but it was wonderful ... and something we definitely needed in our relationship. Until then, it often felt emotionally dead. She shyed away from most meaningful or heartfelt conversation unless I brought it up and then it was like I'd just dropped a bomb on her or something when I did it, but I only did it because I really needed to know how she felt about me and adoption-related or feeling-oriented comments seemed like the only way to get her to go there ... I was desperate. She doesn't understand (nor have the desire to) anything adoption-related, she doesn't and won't read and seems unwilling to try to understand search/reunion or me better for our relationship to be better. Much of this is normal for reunion, but I know she thinks it's just me. It's not.
We talked for two hours that day after work. I'd written a very touching poem which I read at the Bmom Ceremony I attended in May at the Network where I volunteer. I let her read it and she was very moved by it. When I went to leave, she said to me on her own with some excitement in her voice, "The next time I come over I'm going to hold you the entire time I'm there and I'm not going to let you go!" I almost fell over. Complete shock! But my heart grew wings because I've dreamed of that for months and could never tell her. Too humiliating.
We talked on the phone 2-3 times after that and she sounded like she was still drifting on clouds. My b-day approached and the weekend before it, she was off from work and I asked what she was doing the rest of it. She told me nothing so I invited her over. She was back in her depression place (she has been depressed most of the time I've known her, has a bad marriage, etc) so that didn't help. She told me she didn't just want to come over and sit around ... (normally that's ALL she wants to do) so I said we could go do something, i.e. zoo, shopping, take kids to park, etc) She had an excuse for EVERYTHING as if she were avoiding coming over like the plague. Yes ... the hug was still on my mind, but if was uncomfortable or something, she could've just told me that and we would've worked thru it. She didn't.
Instead, she seemed to throw out a consolation prize (but the hug was never even mentioned) to take me out to dinner ... for my birthday. She doesn't really celebrate birthdays and I know doesn't get why mine with her is a big deal. It just helps to have her there ... but she doesn't understand that. I was hurt she wouldn't even make the effort to come see me on my b-day weekend ... I would've thought after 33 years of waiting for me to come back to her that she would WANT to be with me on my b-day ... if not in some way, need to. I know it's HUGE for ME! And on top of that, it felt like she was simply avoiding coming over (because of the hug thing????) but kept throwing out all these excuses to me instead of just being honest. Adding to it was that
I had to go out to meet
her and it was my birthday. That one time it just seemed natural for her to come to me ... other bmom's I've talked to have agreed with me, so I didn't feel like I was being unreasonable.
I went begrudgingly silently miffed because I resented having to make the effort when it should've been hers that time. I was still nice ... and always civil but I admit I didn't talk nearly as much. That apparently bothered her too but she didn't say anything again. She admitted to me like it was funny that she didn't even comb her hair ... I was somewhat annoyed by that because I still made the effort to look nice for her. After an hour at the restaurant, we went to the Mall to walk around, then talked outside by our cars for half an hour before leaving. She always hugs be before we part company (although she doesn't do it with her kept kids ... my half brother/sister and admitted when I asked if she's not a "huggie person" like she told me she wasn't, she said, "I don't know ... mabe it helps me fill that void inside me ... I don't hug my own kids ..isn't that sad?). This hug felt more limp than normal, but I wasn't really into it either because I was still hurt.
4 days later, I drove out to see her again at her work (after) on my b-day. She looked horrid. Like it was all she could do to even keep breathing. No makeup, hair uncombed, dragging. I didn't talk all that much that day either but I was definitely better that day than the previous weekend. Evidently though she thought I acted really different, unbeknownst to me at the time. We talked for only 1 half hour or something and before I left she said, "I'd invite you over but I have to go pay bills ..." That felt like a hint somehow. She also didn't have the "Mom" necklace I'd given her last Feb for her b-day which she never took off before (I have the other part ... "Daughter" which I never took off either). That was a slap in the face.
A week and 2 days went by and I finally called her. I got the machine so I left a message. 4 days went by and no phone call. So I called her again and she answered. I made light it up joking about her never calling me back. Her very casual and almost cold response half jokingly was, "No ... I didn't ..." then that little casual laugh of hers. I wanted to crawl under a table ... I felt like a complete fool. We ended up talking for over an hour and she got right to it pretty much in the 1st 2 mins. Her tone was so cavalier ... so casual, so "tough crap" feeling ... so "I don't care anymore and I don't want you anymore feeling" that I had to hold back tears. I have NEVER said anything cruel to her and although I've had painful feelings inside, I've never told her in anyway I regretted finding her, nor would I because that's beyond my comprehension, although if said by anyone I could understand more adoptees saying it.
She seemed to be throwing everything except the kitchen sink at me and I was just in shock. She's NEVER been that way with me before and I had no idea where it had all come from ... honestly I truly didn't. I was completely blindsided. She made it sound like she hadn't called me back because I was "acting funny" that day I came to see her at work ... like there was something I wanted to tell her, but then I never said anything. There honestly wasn't anything but she seemed to think there was. She accused me of never coming out to HER house (but for 2 years that's all I did because she would never come to see us) and that I didn't seem to want anything to do with my brother/sister (who I don't feel really have any interest in getting to know me and don't care that I don't). She said I never asked about them, talked about them, etc but that's not true and she knows it. I have asked about them often in 2 1/2 years, specifically my half sister who lives with her. I even just recently asked my bmom for her new e-mail address several times but she never did end up giving it to me although she told me before she'd find it. She said more than once I "acted funny" but couldn't explain at all what that meant to me so I could understand it. She told me, "I don't know Annmarie ... I don't know what's going on with you ..." (but she doesn't appear to want to know either because a lot of it is adoption/reunion related but when I talk at all about that, I get accused of "harping on the same issues" and "Why can't I just let that go?")
She told me, "I don't know how you expect to be a family if you don't want to seem to have anything to do with the rest of them ..." (my jaw dropped to the floor because I've never heard anything about this until recently and it's not smething I've ever wanted nor expected ... that appears to be HER dream, not mine). I already have a younger sister who I grew up with and we are close and I am loyal to her. Nothing against me half sister, but we are 10 yrs apart, have nothing in common, and the feelings for her just aren't there for her. I never wanted anything but med info when I searched, but after getting to know my bmom something changed and a part of me felt like maybe my bmom (because of the way she was back then) wanted (and could truly be) the "mom I never really had" ... so I pursued it when I normally wouldn't have.
My bmom went on to say, almost casually and non-emotionally, " "I don't know ... it's just sometimes I just wish maybe you never ... you'd be better off if you'd never found me ..." I felt like the lights went out. Suddenly, I felt numb ... like she'd just punched me in the stomach. I felt like a part of me died all over again. She's said something similar to me in the past several times, but it's always been from the standpoint that SHE didn't seem to feel worthy of me ... that maybe
I was better off w/o
her ... she has always said in the past, "I bet you wish you never would've found me, huh?" It's ALWAYS been that before. But this time it was really different. She started to say SHE wished I'd never have found her ... which felt like SHE didn't want ME anymore and that changed everything for me. It was like being rejected all over again even though I know the 1st time it wasn't her fault because it was her mother's decision to give me up, not hers. But this one felt very much like a choice for her ... I can't tell you how much that comment hurt. But coupled with everything else, I just felt like a complete waste of her time.
(cont ... part 2)